eternity

Obedience.  Parents expect it of their children, teachers of their students, and the legal system of citizens.  Disobedience offends the lawmaker and, when it is rampant, chaos often ensues.  Those who are obedient often receive accolades while those caught disobeying are punished.  Punishment is rightfully painful.  It is a means of encouraging obedience.

Laws serve to create order, teachers want us to grow and learn, and parents seek our success and protection.  God wants these things too.  It’s not that difficult to understand.  Yet, many of us still disobey. 

In my ‘About This Blog’ page, I shared my ‘delay’ in obedience in starting this blog.  In my confession, I described how fear had led to my disobedience.  In fearing man more than God, I disobeyed the only One I should fear.  You see, when we repeatedly disobey God’s commands or what we believe He is calling us to do, we risk receiving His discipline.

Sometimes God’s discipline is obvious.  Other times it is not.  In His quest to set us back on a straight path, God’s discipline may be something painful that he causes us to endure, or He may withhold something that we deeply desire.  In the Old Testament, we see God’s discipline for blatant and recurring disobedience when He sends the Israelites into the captivity of their enemies.  They are exiled from their own land and scattered where they are oppressed by other nations.  This discipline causes the Israelites to consider their ‘ways’ and turn back to the Lord for rescue and freedom. 

Another sober example of discipline from the Old Testament is when the Israelites disobeyed God in the desert.  God had miraculously rescued them from slavery to Egypt and promised to bless if they were obedient to His laws.  On their way to the land God promised their ancestors, the Israelites complained and rebelled on several occasions, including the worship of other gods.  The Israelites also feared the ‘giants’ who inhabited the land they were promised not believing they (i.e. God) could defeat them.  As a result, God caused the Israelites to wander in the desert for 40 years.  He allowed all (except two who believed) who were rescued from Egypt to die before entering the land they so eagerly anticipated.

God continues to discipline His disobedient children today.  In my ‘Growing Pains’ post, I talked about a sleep disorder that practically debilitated me for close to a year.  I believe that sleep disorder, which I still suffer from today, could be the result of my disobedience.  I didn’t say so in that post because it was part of another story… this story.  And while this correlation may sound silly on the surface, allow me to explain my reasoning. 

In other posts, I told you of my recurring challenges concerning high expectations of people and how I struggle most with those who are selfish and arrogant.  I have had this issue of being ‘judgmental’ for many, many years.  Even typing it causes me embarrassment.  Judgmentalism is not something anyone wants to admit.  But if I am going to be ‘obedient’ in maintaining this blog, I owe it to God and to you to be completely transparent.

I mentioned above that God will discipline repeated disobedience.  I’ve known for a long time that I do not love all people as I should.  I have even prayed for God to change me, but I haven’t always been faithful in fulfilling my part of that change.  I would pray for a while and then forget about it for a longer while.  I would try to be more loving in the beginning, but then allow something else to distract those efforts.  Make no mistake, none of us are able, on our own, to change without the power of God.  But change takes two.  How could I expect God to change me when I was only half invested?  It’s like asking God to send me a paycheck when I’m not willing to work. 

Since I was not consistent in praying for and intentionally working on my character flaw of judgment, I never did get past it.  Yet, God wills for me to change.  He knows I desire to serve Him, but He also knows not loving as I should hinders my effectiveness.  It dishonors His name and dilutes my influence.  For my good and for His glory, God wants me to experience real and lasting change.  And since God has convicted me multiple times concerning this sin, to no avail, I believe He is using discipline to help me take it more seriously.

I have always slept wonderfully… up until I didn’t.  When I started experiencing frequent awakenings at the age of 39, there was no logical explanation.  My doctor did not even consider sending me for a sleep study until almost a year after the onset.  Up until the study, we tried everything without success.  When the sleep study confirmed I had hypopnea, it was quite a surprise.  Generally, hypopnea and its counterpart, sleep apnea, are caused by obesity, enlarged tonsils, excessive overbite, menopause, smoking, and other things I did not have or do.  My doctor was puzzled.

I told you I began using a CPAP machine following my hypopnea diagnosis and began sleeping well again.  This was true for the first few months.  In under a year, my recurring awakenings returned, even while using the CPAP machine.  At this point I began to pray for God to reveal the reason.  A short time later, I went on a personal retreat in the mountains.  I was alone with the Lord for 5 days studying His Word, praying, worshiping, journaling, and listening.  During my time there, I prayed fervently for answers.  I wanted to know if the sleep disorder was the result of sin. 

It’s difficult to appreciate the experience of a Jesus-focused retreat unless you’ve been on one (or something similar).  When you give God your undivided time and attention, He responds in profound and amazing ways.  During this retreat, I felt very strongly that God was, once again, reminding me that I was carelessly judgmental.  And, once again, I found myself weeping over my sinfulness.

At this point, I had been journaling “messages” in the middle of the night for just a few months. Following my confession, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning.  As usual, I picked up my pen and paper prepared to journal.  But the night was empty with silence.  I waited.  Minutes passed and, still, nothing.  I began to pray.  Lord, what is it that you want me to do?  I am awake and listening.  Not a second passed.  I can’t explain it, but I spontaneously knew God wanted me to leave my CPAP mask on the nightstand and lay my head back on the pillow without it.  I quickly fell asleep and didn’t awake again until morning, refreshed and rejuvenated.  I have not used a CPAP machine since that retreat. 

Perhaps God felt the weight of my confession, and this was His way of responding.  I really can’t say for sure.  I just know it was a blessing.  But my confession was only the beginning of my growth journey.  Obedience following confession is critical in our walk with God.  As you know from prior posts, I still fall short in my genuine love for others.  Although I no longer use a CPAP machine, I still wake up more than desired in the wee hours of the morning.  The awakenings are less frequent, and they no longer debilitate me, but it’s rare for me to feel 100% refreshed.  Deep down, I know I am not where God wills me to be.  Perhaps that’s why my sleep is not where I will it to be.  A constant reminder of my disobedience when it comes to others.      

Though it’s only recent, I do now have a genuine and consistent desire to love others sincerely and completely.  I pray for it on a regular basis and monitor myself both during and following frustrating interactions.  Lasting and consistent change takes time, especially when you have carried certain behaviors for years.  But I believe I will attain this change because I am, at last, ‘all in’.  My will is now in line with the Lord’s when it comes to His people, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to grow in this area.  I can already see God softening my heart toward others as I seek to understand from their perspective and, more importantly, from the perspective of Jesus who died for all of us.

Absent God speaking to me audibly, I may never know for sure if my sin of judgment and disobedience dealing with it is the cause of my sleep issues.  Regardless, the fact remains I have a sin problem that needed addressing.  Even if I’m wrong about my sleep, if it ‘woke me up’ to take my disobedience seriously, then it’s all for good and not evil. 

In the book of Hebrews, the author warns Christian believers to pay careful attention to what they have heard and learned about the Supremacy and salvation of Jesus… so that they do not drift away from the truth.  In the “Christ-Centered Exposition” commentary, Mohler makes the important point that there is no such thing as standing still in the Christian life.  There are those who are paddling toward and those who are paddling away from Jesus.  Then there are those who are not paddling at all.  They are drifting due to doing nothing. 

We must row toward Jesus, against the tide of culture, lest we drift away.  In other words, we need to intentionally pay attention to and obey the Word of God.  Hearing the Word of God but not obeying guarantees we will drift away spiritually until we find ourselves far from the Lord.