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discipline

Growing Pains

The Better You is Calling – Part 3

by Tracy Brackett

1/13/14 1:14 a.m.

Be obedient to My guidance and you will always be glad you did as I said. I guide you lovingly. You are a child of the One True God. Think of what that means. You have child rights and privileges. You also have child discipline, as needed, for your growth and character. Because I am all wise I do not spoil My children, but I do love them well and consistently. Exercise your rights as My child and live a life of freedom and joy. Live a life of grace and love. Be humble and giving. Be real and genuine. Be My child for all to see. Know that I love you most dearly.


1/18/14 12:50 a.m.

Know the rules. Know your boundaries. You are free to do many things but there must be boundaries. Life is hard. I did not promise heaven on earth, only peace and joy despite the difficulties. Earth is a training ground, a place to grow and learn. Do not hate the learning process, it is a valuable part of life. You need it for your spiritual and character growth. Everyone does. There are no exceptions. Make an effort to grow through all your challenges and certain challenges will not be necessary any longer. As you learn the lessons, the challenges will dissipate. Fight the good fight but learn the lessons. You will have no regrets. Know that I love you.

In this series, we have been discussing sanctification through the power of the Holy Spirit. God’s gift of the Holy Spirit is an act of pure grace. The Holy Spirit not only helps us move toward a desired more righteous (moral) self, as was discussed in part 1, but He also gives us the strength to endure and persevere through hardships that are caused by sin in the world, the hardships we suffer due to the sin of others. Now, let’s go a little deeper. It says in the Bible that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). All are sinners. That means me and that means you too.

We all know it’s true that we sometimes find ourselves hurt by what others say and do. But how often do we think about the impact our own words and actions have on others? While God does the amazing work of growing (sanctifying) us through the sins of others, He is also loving enough to grow and sanctify us through our own sin. While God will not take away our free will, He will work through His Spirit in us to move us to better, more godly decisions. Like any parent, God will speak to us (warn, guide, rebuke) through our conscience to do the right thing.

There are times, however, when we have sin in our lives that we do not see clearly, or we choose not to see clearly. There are times when we choose to do certain things even when our conscience is telling us not to. We ignore the Holy Spirit’s gentle prodding toward correct action because we don’t really see the behavior as all that harmful, “everyone else is doing it”, or we simply love the behavior too much to give it up. Whatever the reason, we allow the desires of our flesh, to overrule the desires of the Holy Spirit. The two are at odds with one another.

You may have heard it said “God will meet you where you’re at, but He loves you too much to leave you there.” This is, indeed, true. You do not need to first clean up your act to be accepted by God. If this was the case, none of us would ever be accepted. That’s because, on our own, we do not have the ability to be perfect. As our natural selves, in our fleshly state, we are prone to sin. That’s why Jesus died for us. The very moment we believe and accept Jesus into our hearts, we are accepted through His perfection. We are given the Holy Spirit to help guide us and we are born again into our Spiritual selves. We are adopted (born again) into the family of God.

Adoption into the family of God has many privileges, salvation (eternal life) being the greatest and most precious gift of all. Adoption into God’s family comes with affection, guidance, and protection, to name a few, but it also comes with discipline when we, His children, need it. God the Father is both wise and loving in His discipline. Like any parent, He desires for us to be our best selves, to represent His kingdom well, and He takes steps to help us get there. This may include allowing us to suffer the consequences of our own poor decisions, with the intention of allowing those consequences to grow, or sanctify, us.

During this time of suffering, as described above, you may say to yourself “Why is God punishing me?”, when in fact He is merely allowing you to suffer the consequences of your own sin. He did not cause you to sin, that was your own free will choice. He just chose not to rescue you from the consequences, as many parents often do. He is hopeful, however, that the pain of those consequences will get your attention, will wake you up, will “teach you a lesson” so to speak, and will lead you back to Him, the Father who loves you more than you can ever imagine. He is hopeful that the suffering you experience will shape you into becoming a better you.

Constant failure to listen to our conscience can lead to numbness to our sin. We may begin to rationalize our behavior as acceptable, or at least explainable. When we stray so far from God that we are no longer sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s promptings, God may choose to intervene through more severe discipline. When we constantly ignore and turn our back on the Father, He eventually ‘gives us over’ (see Romans 1:24) to our own choices. This is when He allows us to suffer not only the consequences of our sin, but He removes His protection and favor such that we find ourselves at rock bottom, feeling empty and confused.

For the Israelites, God’s chosen people, this resulted in their enemies defeating them on more than one occasion. For a long time, through the prophets, God kept pleading with His people to turn from their sinful ways, but they would not listen. Instead, they followed their own selfish desires including the pursuit of other gods, the gods of their enemies, worshiping idols and sexual immorality. After repeated unheeded warnings, God’s favor and protection were removed, and His people were eventually defeated and taken into captivity by their enemies. But God did not walk away. He remained attentive and hopeful. Not only is He patient but He is forgiving. When the Israelites realized the error of their ways and repented, God relented and brought a remnant of them home again.

Today, we are no different. God provides the standard for living through His Word. He speaks to us through His Holy Spirit. He reminds us to follow His good ways through our conscience, but many do not listen. Instead, we follow our own selfish desires, the desires of our flesh (wealth, power, beauty, sexual immorality, and every other form of selfish ambition) which are often fueled by the culture we live in… a culture that is at odds with our soul. Eventually, after much patience and prodding, God removes His favor and we find ourselves defeated by the enemy, the very culture we desired, the extremely deceptive world we live in. The pursuit of wealth, power, beauty, popularity, etc. does not provide the fulfillment we hoped for. We find ourselves lonely, empty, and confused.

But that’s not the end of our story. God stands by, like an ever faithful and loving Father, still waiting for us to recognize the error of our ways, waiting for us to embrace Him again. And when we do, when we finally see the truth and repent, with great joy, He brings us home again. This truth is perfectly illustrated in the biblical story (parable) of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-24:                                                                     

… “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.


“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. (Luke 15:11-24 NIV)

Indeed, God is a faithful Father. He provides us loving standards for living. Standards that, when followed, lead to the best possible outcomes and, when not followed, lead to destruction. Make no mistake, these standards do not come from man, the world, or what is acceptable in the world, for the world’s standards are constantly changing. God never changes, and neither do His principles. As His Word says, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

While God wants to prepare us, His children, to live in the world, He doesn’t want us to become of the world. Instead of the world influencing us, God wants us to influence the world. To do this, we need to resist our fleshly impulses and allow the Spirit to guide our behavior. And when we fail in this regard, which we will do at times, God will use even this for our good. He will allow, or orchestrate, our fall, our defeat, our wake-up call. He will use not only the sins of others, but He will also use the consequences of our own sin to mature and lead us back to Him.

For more on sanctification, I highly recommend the book ‘Secrets of the Vine’ by Bruce Wilkinson that illustrates well the work of God in our lives. ‘Secrets of the Vine’ is a short, easy, and enlightening read you don’t want to miss.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11 NIV)

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. (Galatians 5:17 NIV)

Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. (Deuteronomy 8:5 NIV)

My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. (Hebrews 12:5b-6 NIV)

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Looking BackStill Growing

Four Essential Keys to Success: #3 Obedience

by Tracy Brackett

11/8/11 12:03 a.m.

Obedience. Joy. Peace. They are connected. You can have all three. I set them before you. Choose obedience and by so doing you also choose joy and peace. May joy and peace be yours, the joy and peace only I can give. Not that of the world but that of the Divine. Choose obedience over sacrifice. Obedience is key.

 

11/14/11 3:24 a.m.

Obedience. This is what I ask for. Consistent obedience yields peace and joy. You will see, and you will be glad. Obey always and these gifts will be yours.

 

8/30/14 4:00 a.m.

Obedience is key and is more valuable than sacrifice. Obey My commands My child and feel freedom. My commands are not burdensome. My commands are for your safety and protection. They are laced with love for your well-being. Follow My commands and success will be yours today.

Obedience.  Parents expect it of their children, teachers of their students, and the legal system of citizens.  Disobedience offends the lawmaker and, when it is rampant, chaos often ensues.  Those who are obedient often receive accolades while those caught disobeying are punished.  Punishment is rightfully painful.  It is a means of encouraging obedience.

Laws serve to create order, teachers want us to grow and learn, and parents seek our success and protection.  God wants these things too.  It’s not that difficult to understand.  Yet, many of us still disobey. 

In my ‘About This Blog’ page, I shared my ‘delay’ in obedience in starting this blog.  In my confession, I described how fear had led to my disobedience.  In fearing man more than God, I disobeyed the only One I should fear.  You see, when we repeatedly disobey God’s commands or what we believe He is calling us to do, we risk receiving His discipline.

Sometimes God’s discipline is obvious.  Other times it is not.  In His quest to set us back on a straight path, God’s discipline may be something painful that he causes us to endure, or He may withhold something that we deeply desire.  In the Old Testament, we see God’s discipline for blatant and recurring disobedience when He sends the Israelites into the captivity of their enemies.  They are exiled from their own land and scattered where they are oppressed by other nations.  This discipline causes the Israelites to consider their ‘ways’ and turn back to the Lord for rescue and freedom. 

Another sober example of discipline from the Old Testament is when the Israelites disobeyed God in the desert.  God had miraculously rescued them from slavery to Egypt and promised to bless if they were obedient to His laws.  On their way to the land God promised their ancestors, the Israelites complained and rebelled on several occasions, including the worship of other gods.  The Israelites also feared the ‘giants’ who inhabited the land they were promised not believing they (i.e. God) could defeat them.  As a result, God caused the Israelites to wander in the desert for 40 years.  He allowed all (except two who believed) who were rescued from Egypt to die before entering the land they so eagerly anticipated.

God continues to discipline His disobedient children today.  In my ‘Growing Pains’ post, I talked about a sleep disorder that practically debilitated me for close to a year.  I believe that sleep disorder, which I still suffer from today, could be the result of my disobedience.  I didn’t say so in that post because it was part of another story… this story.  And while this correlation may sound silly on the surface, allow me to explain my reasoning. 

In other posts, I told you of my recurring challenges concerning high expectations of people and how I struggle most with those who are selfish and arrogant.  I have had this issue of being ‘judgmental’ for many, many years.  Even typing it causes me embarrassment.  Judgmentalism is not something anyone wants to admit.  But if I am going to be ‘obedient’ in maintaining this blog, I owe it to God and to you to be completely transparent.

I mentioned above that God will discipline repeated disobedience.  I’ve known for a long time that I do not love all people as I should.  I have even prayed for God to change me, but I haven’t always been faithful in fulfilling my part of that change.  I would pray for a while and then forget about it for a longer while.  I would try to be more loving in the beginning, but then allow something else to distract those efforts.  Make no mistake, none of us are able, on our own, to change without the power of God.  But change takes two.  How could I expect God to change me when I was only half invested?  It’s like asking God to send me a paycheck when I’m not willing to work. 

Since I was not consistent in praying for and intentionally working on my character flaw of judgment, I never did get past it.  Yet, God wills for me to change.  He knows I desire to serve Him, but He also knows not loving as I should hinders my effectiveness.  It dishonors His name and dilutes my influence.  For my good and for His glory, God wants me to experience real and lasting change.  And since God has convicted me multiple times concerning this sin, to no avail, I believe He is using discipline to help me take it more seriously.

I have always slept wonderfully… up until I didn’t.  When I started experiencing frequent awakenings at the age of 39, there was no logical explanation.  My doctor did not even consider sending me for a sleep study until almost a year after the onset.  Up until the study, we tried everything without success.  When the sleep study confirmed I had hypopnea, it was quite a surprise.  Generally, hypopnea and its counterpart, sleep apnea, are caused by obesity, enlarged tonsils, excessive overbite, menopause, smoking, and other things I did not have or do.  My doctor was puzzled.

I told you I began using a CPAP machine following my hypopnea diagnosis and began sleeping well again.  This was true for the first few months.  In under a year, my recurring awakenings returned, even while using the CPAP machine.  At this point I began to pray for God to reveal the reason.  A short time later, I went on a personal retreat in the mountains.  I was alone with the Lord for 5 days studying His Word, praying, worshiping, journaling, and listening.  During my time there, I prayed fervently for answers.  I wanted to know if the sleep disorder was the result of sin. 

It’s difficult to appreciate the experience of a Jesus-focused retreat unless you’ve been on one (or something similar).  When you give God your undivided time and attention, He responds in profound and amazing ways.  During this retreat, I felt very strongly that God was, once again, reminding me that I was carelessly judgmental.  And, once again, I found myself weeping over my sinfulness.

At this point, I had been journaling “messages” in the middle of the night for just a few months. Following my confession, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning.  As usual, I picked up my pen and paper prepared to journal.  But the night was empty with silence.  I waited.  Minutes passed and, still, nothing.  I began to pray.  Lord, what is it that you want me to do?  I am awake and listening.  Not a second passed.  I can’t explain it, but I spontaneously knew God wanted me to leave my CPAP mask on the nightstand and lay my head back on the pillow without it.  I quickly fell asleep and didn’t awake again until morning, refreshed and rejuvenated.  I have not used a CPAP machine since that retreat. 

Perhaps God felt the weight of my confession, and this was His way of responding.  I really can’t say for sure.  I just know it was a blessing.  But my confession was only the beginning of my growth journey.  Obedience following confession is critical in our walk with God.  As you know from prior posts, I still fall short in my genuine love for others.  Although I no longer use a CPAP machine, I still wake up more than desired in the wee hours of the morning.  The awakenings are less frequent, and they no longer debilitate me, but it’s rare for me to feel 100% refreshed.  Deep down, I know I am not where God wills me to be.  Perhaps that’s why my sleep is not where I will it to be.  A constant reminder of my disobedience when it comes to others.      

Though it’s only recent, I do now have a genuine and consistent desire to love others sincerely and completely.  I pray for it on a regular basis and monitor myself both during and following frustrating interactions.  Lasting and consistent change takes time, especially when you have carried certain behaviors for years.  But I believe I will attain this change because I am, at last, ‘all in’.  My will is now in line with the Lord’s when it comes to His people, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to grow in this area.  I can already see God softening my heart toward others as I seek to understand from their perspective and, more importantly, from the perspective of Jesus who died for all of us.

Absent God speaking to me audibly, I may never know for sure if my sin of judgment and disobedience dealing with it is the cause of my sleep issues.  Regardless, the fact remains I have a sin problem that needed addressing.  Even if I’m wrong about my sleep, if it ‘woke me up’ to take my disobedience seriously, then it’s all for good and not evil. 

In the book of Hebrews, the author warns Christian believers to pay careful attention to what they have heard and learned about the Supremacy and salvation of Jesus… so that they do not drift away from the truth.  In the “Christ-Centered Exposition” commentary, Mohler makes the important point that there is no such thing as standing still in the Christian life.  There are those who are paddling toward and those who are paddling away from Jesus.  Then there are those who are not paddling at all.  They are drifting due to doing nothing. 

We must row toward Jesus, against the tide of culture, lest we drift away.  In other words, we need to intentionally pay attention to and obey the Word of God.  Hearing the Word of God but not obeying guarantees we will drift away spiritually until we find ourselves far from the Lord.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says… whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  (James 1:22, 25 NIV)

Judging others is a very real current in our world that I need to paddle against to ensure I am no longer swept up in it.  By doing nothing, I allowed myself to drift from the command of God to love His people.  Whatever way the Father chooses to reveal my disobedience, I thank Him for His discipline.

While God will discipline for continued disobedience, He also loves to reward obedience, both this side of heaven and in eternity.  While I believe our key focus should be on obtaining rewards in heaven, on things that are eternal, I will first share some examples of blessings I have experienced on earth, since God often chooses to give both. 

I remember a time early in my career when I was miserable due to poor treatment by one of my superiors.  This woman, who I will call Becky, was well known for her harsh character.  If she liked you, you were fine but if she didn’t, look out!  Becky had a strong dislike for auditors and, since I had been an auditor immediately before I began supporting her team, she simply did not like me. 

After supporting Becky for almost a year, a higher-level position opened within the company.  I decided to apply for it.  Anything to get away from Becky!  I was interviewed by the executive overseeing the open position and the interview went well.  He encouraged me to sleep on it.  If I were still interested, he would have me meet with the president of the division. 

That evening, I prayed over the potential new role and continued praying the next morning.  Part way through the day, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was not meant to pursue the new position.  I had the sense that I was prematurely ‘running’ from a tough situation that God was not yet ready to release me from.  I desperately wanted to be released, so this was not the answer I was hoping for.  But the feeling was too strong.  I reluctantly told the executive who had interviewed me that I was withdrawing my application. 

Two weeks later, I heard that division of the company was told to cut costs, so Executive Management decided not to fill the open position but, instead, to eliminate it!  I can’t imagine how embarrassed I would have been had I continued pursuing the role and then had to crawl back to the place I was hoping to escape from.  And to top it off, just a few months later, I was approached by management to take on another role within the company, and I gladly accepted.  In my new role, I was shown great respect and favor by both my Supervisor and the more senior management team above me.  God’s blessing was plentiful! 

A few years later, after Joe and I were married, we celebrated paying off our small house.  We loved and felt blessed by this home.  Still, because of our love for hospitality, we had a desire for a larger one.  Our current home could only accommodate a couple of people for dinner due to a small eating area, and the yard was almost nonexistent.  We excitedly began discussing the purchase of a new house that would meet our hospitality aspirations.  But about a month into this discussion, I felt a strong pull to put our savings toward something else.  I shared my thoughts with Joe and, together, we prayed about it. 

After a couple of weeks, we concluded we were not meant to buy the new house.  We needed to be obedient to where we felt the Lord was leading us.  I was disappointed but reminded myself that our current home was plenty for the two of us and God would provide a larger home in His timing.  We agreed to remove the new house from our current thinking.

Six months later, God blessed us abundantly!  During annual merit increases and bonus timing, I received not only an above average raise, but the largest bonus of my career.  At about the same time, Joe worked for a small company that did not give annual merits, but he was unexpectedly given one.  I was astonished!  Joe and I were now able to buy a larger home.

Today, our goal is to use the larger home God has blessed us with for His glory, to share both what we’ve been given physically as well as the love of Jesus.  We host a Bible Study group and, although we do not have children, we have space for a designated playroom for childcare during the studies.  We also enjoy inviting both small and large groups of neighbors and friends for cookouts and bonfires, as well as indoor celebrations such as Thanksgiving and Easter.  God has blessed us indeed!

I don’t want to give the impression that God’s blessings for obedience will come within a short period of time or will always be immediately noticeable.  Sometimes, years pass and sometimes we do not see visible blessing at all.  Other times blessings are subtle, yet incredible.  For example, following God’s will (obedience) activates His power in our lives (blessing #1) and shapes us into the person we were created to be.  Since God’s will is perfect, the person we were created to be is the best possible person we can be (blessing #2).  We were created for a meaningful purpose.  Knowing and living out that purpose leads to peace and joy (blessing #’s 3 & 4)! 

I also want to point out that we should not be obedient to the commands of God purely for earthly blessing.  Don’t get me wrong, I love, appreciate, and even want God’s earthly blessings but I do not obey Him for the sake of those blessings.  God wants us to obey Him because we have come to know, love, and trust His ways, whether we are rewarded or not.  He wills that we come to a place where our obedience is not out of hope for earthly blessing, or fear of punishment, but because of who He is.  We are content to obey a righteous and loving God.

Sometimes following God’s will requires sacrifice.  While the outcome of obedience is always favorable in the end, obedience itself is not always easy.  But it is an act of worship that sets us apart as Christians.  In becoming the person we were created to be, we become more like Christ and, through this, God is glorified.  We honor God with our lives!  When we honor God with our lives, we point others to Jesus, the One who gives and sustains life. These, my friend, are definitions of true success!  And these will earn you the best blessings, treasures in heaven. 

Rewards in heaven are the greatest and most important blessings because they will last for eternity.  That is why the bible tells us we should live our lives with an eye toward eternity.  If our focus is on things eternal, our heart will be there also.  Life on earth is but a speck in eternity.  A speck.  Like a grain of sand on the seashore and a drop of water in the ocean, life on earth is a mere breath compared to eternity.  Here today, gone tomorrow.      

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6: 19-21 ESV)

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

Think of these heavenly blessings in terms of delayed gratification.  Like receiving a college degree after four years of study, and retirement after years of working, rewards in heaven will be worth the wait… and far superior.  Yes, our rewards in heaven, should we choose to pursue them, will be beyond our imagination.  Plus, we will be enjoying them for eternity in the very presence of Jesus!

To be clear, I would like to pause to mention an important difference between salvation (living in eternity with God) and the rewards we receive while we are there (treasures in heaven).  Salvation comes only through ‘belief’ in the saving and finished work of Jesus.  There is nothing we can do to earn it. 

God is a pure, perfect, and righteous God who cannot live in the presence of sin.  And we humans have all sinned.  God is also a just God… therefore, all sin will receive a just penalty, which is death.  That’s the bad news.  Now here’s the good news: Jesus willingly took our sins upon Himself and suffered the penalty of death in our place.  And because our debt for sin has been paid by Christ, we are purified by His blood.  God sees our sin no more and we are, thereby, able to live with Him in eternity.  This is the story of salvation. 

Rewards in heaven, on the other hand, are earned by how we live today.  Obediently following God’s will has favorable consequences for eternity.  Consequences that are worth pursuing.  Not pursuing these eternal rewards through obedience would be foolish because they are the only ones that are permanent! 

And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. (1 Peter 5:4 NIV)

Our obedience also impacts others by showing them a different way to live.  A way that is eternally better than the way of this world.  A way that was opened by the obedience of Jesus Himself, obedience to the point of death.  And through His death, the world was offered salvation.  If Christ would not have obeyed, we would be dead in our sin.  Just like Adam’s disobedience led us to death, Jesus’ obedience gave us life!

Are you living in obedience with an eye toward heaven or do you chase the pleasures of this temporary world?  Do you believe in eternity?  On earth, we are living in a speck of eternity, but it is up to us to choose where and how we will live in eternity following the speck.  I pray we choose wisely. 

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. (Deuteronomy 30:19, 20a NIV)

However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him. (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)

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Looking Back

Growing Pains

by Tracy Brackett

5/28/13  5:19 a.m.

Be fruitful. Bear much fruit. The time will come when you will see the reason for your sorrow today. The growth and beauty that will flow from this will be worth the pain and sorrow. You cannot grow to perfection without the fire. Be thankful for the fire knowing its purpose is favorable. Endure a little longer My child. Your end is near. Freedom will follow. Joy will be your friend. Know the purpose and rejoice. Look forward in hope and faith. Not one minute longer than necessary will I allow the fire to burn. You will see joy again. You are loved and you are blessed. This period of training will pass.

Several years ago, I felt a strong pull to wake up an hour earlier so I could double my prayer and bible study time.  During this period, I experienced what I would describe as exponential growth in my faith and love for Jesus.  I was feeling both the presence of God and an indescribable joy on a consistent basis.  A few months in, I began feeling hungry for more growth and I vividly remember praying this prayer: “God, I’m asking You to prune me.  I don’t care how much it hurts or how long it lasts, I just want to grow.  I can handle it.” 

Knowing what I know now, I can’t tell you how naïve that prayer was. No doubt, I genuinely wanted to grow stronger in my relationship with God – it was a pure desire.  And I knew that God will always say yes to a request that is in line with His will for my life.  But there is more to this story… 

The pruning began immediately… first with difficult relationships at work.  Although never perfect, throughout my career, I had mostly experienced good work relationships and some of my greatest friendships came from the workplace.  But this was a challenging period of trying to balance managing employees and friendship with employees.  I suspect it was difficult for them as well.  In time, this did work itself out but not without some tough discussions and uncomfortable pain points.  This situation helped me grow in experience, not only as a manager, but as a manager from a Christian viewpoint.  It provided an opportunity to see things from another person’s perspective, an opportunity to see I am not always right.   

Next, I began experiencing subtle exclusion in a Christian friendship group, something I never would have expected.  These were friends who seemed to have one foot in and one foot out when it came to their faith and I felt I was sometimes excluded because of my conservatism.  Of course, it may have been for another reason but it was still hurtful to feel excluded, especially by professed Christians. Honestly, it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I looked back on that hurt and was reminded that all Christians are in different stages of their walk with the Lord.  Just as God is patient with me in the areas I am still growing, I must be patient and loving with others.   

Not long after my “prune me” prayer, I was asked to take on a new role at work.  The company had just gone through a merger.  The surviving executive management team made the decision to move the accounting for both companies to North Carolina where I was located.  None of the existing employees were willing to relocate so I was asked to lead the transition.  This consisted of hiring a new team and traveling with them for several weeks to train with the departing teams.  I accepted the offer knowing it was a good career move.

The job of pouring through resumes, interviewing, and onboarding 13 new employees all by itself was a feat I hadn’t anticipated.  This, in addition to the actual workload, travel, training, and stress (for both new and old employees), was truly unmanageable on my own… but the thought of failing or giving up was contrary to my personality.  Three months in, I did gather the courage to speak to my Supervisor about the workload.  He nodded, acknowledged, and then did nothing.  Five months in, I consulted with the Worldwide Controller.  I admitted the workload was too great and although every effort was put forth to accomplish the goal, including extremely long hours, deadlines were being missed and employee work was not receiving proper review.  His solution: “Just don’t work the long hours.”  Finally, eight months in, I gathered the courage to write a letter to my Supervisor, the Worldwide Controller, and the CFO.  I was slowly dying, and I was desperate. 

The CFO took action.  She immediately provided budget and approval to hire another manager to assist with team oversight and work review.  But by the time the new manager was onboard, it was too late for me.  Less than a year in, I experienced what I label ‘medical burnout’ which consisted of agitation, anger, depression, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and an inability to concentrate, to name a few.  Before I knew it, I found myself on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications.  But I was grateful to have help.  Unfortunately, the new manager worked for only two months before quitting.  Before he left, he looked at me with regret and said, “I don’t know how you have been doing this.  It’s just too much.  I’m sorry.” 

Thankfully, though much damage had already been done, I finally had enough sense to quit that job and started finding my way back to a healthy lifestyle, at which point I had a short reprieve from further challenges.  During this time, I met my husband, Joe.  After a rather long absence from dating, I was excited to meet someone who was running the same Christian race as I was, not one of perfection (obviously) but one of desire.  This was a time of blessing.       

Nine months into my relationship with Joe, I began experiencing sleep deprivation related to very frequent awakenings and, most days, I found myself feeling ill or simply too tired to do anything.  While I was blessed to have an extremely patient and understanding boyfriend, this was a trying time for both Joe and me.  My lack of energy was not only debilitating for me, but it robbed someone who had energy of enjoying life with me.  To this day, I continue to be grateful for Joe’s godly perseverance and long-suffering.  We married after 18 months of dating, and my sleep deprivation greatly impacted my ability to fully enjoy both planning and attending my own wedding.  I come from an exceptionally large extended family.  The guest list on its own caused me a huge amount of anxiety.  After discussing my decreased capacity to manage stress, we discarded the guest list and went with immediate family and wedding party only.  While I was sad to exclude people I loved from my wedding, I was relieved by our choice of simplicity. 

It took close to a year following my sleep challenge onset before I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypopnea which results in frequent awakenings due to decreased oxygen while sleeping.  It essentially prevents you from having the kind of deep REM sleep we all need to be rested.  Two months following our wedding, I found myself sleeping through use of a CPAP machine and a very unattractive face mask, less than desirable for this newlywed… but, ah, I was sleeping!  

I could go on…  Suffice to say, these were not the happiest years of my life, but they were also not without their blessings.  I did, indeed, learn… and grow. 

As a human who experiences pain and suffering just like you do, I found out that I DID, in fact, care how much the pruning hurt and I DID, in fact, care how long it lasted.  Even more humbling, I discovered that “I” couldn’t handle anything.  While I did cling to God for strength during these times, I could plainly see that I overestimated my ability to be a consistent representative of Him during the hard times.  There were times when people could clearly see that God was guiding my hope and actions, but there were other times when my responses were less than God-like.  I was not as strong in my faith walk as I had imagined.  And this was a part of my pruning.  Talk about a growing ‘moment’!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey, we all go through hard times… what makes your challenges any different and what makes you so certain that God was answering your prayer for pruning?”  I know that God was answering my prayer because of the numerous and continuous challenges I experienced, only some of which have been shared here.  These challenges were far beyond (in duration and number) anything I had ever before experienced.  But that doesn’t mean pruning doesn’t come without a request for it. 

The Father prunes as He sees fit.  God’s will for us is to become the people He created us to be, which includes growing in maturity and character… becoming more like Jesus.  And God knows that we often cannot obtain that growth without going through the fire that burns away our impurities.  Sound mean?  Let’s take an example of a three-year-old child.  Left undisciplined, that child becomes a person of extremely poor manners.  Given everything he or she desires, that child becomes spoiled, lacking appreciation for anything.  I don’t know about you, but I generally prefer NOT to be around undisciplined and spoiled children (or adults)!  God created us.  We are His children and He wants us to be the best we can possibly be and He wants us to represent His character well.  God’s pruning (and His discipline… which I’ll reserve for a future post) comes completely out of His love for us.

Others may be asking, “Did God ‘cause’ the burnout?”  Absolutely not!  God gives us free will… but we humans do not always make the best free will choices.  God could interfere and make everything perfect but then we would no longer have free will and those would be His choices instead of our own.  So God simply ‘allows’ our choices to have their natural consequences.  In my case, He allowed sin, both my sin and the sin of others, to have its natural consequences… and, through sin and circumstances, God allowed me to see my weaknesses so that I would know where I needed to grow.  For example, had I analyzed my work experience properly, I would have seen my sin of ‘pride’ in not wanting to be seen as a failure when, clearly, I should have quit long before I experienced burnout.  Pressing on to succeed at a task that was too big for me lead to the natural consequence of my burnout.        

I learned some other things as well.  In experiencing anxiety and depression, God equipped me to better understand others who struggle with these things on a chronic basis.  By suffering from extreme exhaustion stemming from my sleep disorder, I am better able to understand those with insomnia and other sleep conditions.  My empathy for others in these areas increased.  Empathy for the pain and suffering of others is, definitely, a characteristic of Jesus. 

Finally, I would be remiss not to point out God’s grace in my suffering.  While my few years of pruning were extremely painful, God never allowed more than He knew I could handle.  While simultaneously honoring my prayer request, He gave me moments of hope and sunshine to sustain me through the next challenge.  These intermittent bursts of reprieve showed God’s love and care throughout the entire process… and He is a God I will never let go of. 

Jesus speaking: “I am the true vine, and My Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in Me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” (John 15:1-2 NIV)

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