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Looking Back

Looking BackStill Growing

Real Joy Takes Courage

by Tracy Brackett

4/5/14 1:46 a.m. 

Real joy takes courage. Courage to be honest and faithful. To act in integrity. Courage to say “I’m sorry”. Courage to do the right thing. Courage to admit when you’re wrong. Courage to grow through mistakes. Courage to speak the truth in love. Courage to persevere and not quit. Real joy takes all these things. It is the fruit of these things and My gift to you. Seek joy and live life abundantly.

Would you like to walk in darkness or in light?  If you answered light, you are on to something… but did you know that it takes courage to walk in the light?

I remember a time when saying “I’m sorry” was not part of my vocabulary.  Apologizing was (and still is) uncomfortable.  It means admitting I am wrong, and my pride makes it difficult for me to admit such a thing.  Believing I am right and in control are far more comfortable for me.

I also recall times when I did the wrong thing simply because it was more convenient than doing the right thing.  Not returning the cart to the grocery store, or designated stations, or leaving fallen trash on the street simply because I didn’t feel like chasing it in the wind.

Sadly, I have allowed myself to tell lies to get off the hook of admitting an embarrassing truth (like the fake tan example I described in my “Beyond the Surface” post).  “It’s just a white lie”, I would think. “It’s not going to hurt anyone.  It’s barely even lying.”  What I didn’t realize is we cannot put a scale on integrity.  Like a drop of mud in clear water, you either have purity (truth, integrity), or you don’t.  All lies are dark.

Looking back on my less joy-filled days, I think of Elizabeth.  Elizabeth was a cheerful, outgoing, and spontaneous person.  She laughed a lot and loved to be around people.  In fact, if anyone made you feel like you were accepted (and funny), it was Elizabeth.  Easy to talk to and carefree, she made friends easily.  And I was one of them.  I loved Elizabeth and her sweet personality.

Over time, however, I became skeptical of my friend.  Elizabeth was like a gypsy, floating in the wind.  Perpetually late, I and other friends often had to wait for her.  She also lacked other responsibility.  Her apartment was in shambles and she was almost always late for work… if she was working.  As long as Elizabeth was around people and having fun, she was happy.  But Elizabeth hated to be alone and feared missing out on anything that was happening.  When she had nothing else to do, she would call to chit chat… and chit chat… and chit chat.

Although I am an extrovert, I began to feel burdened by Elizabeth’s continuous need for socializing.  I also became bothered by her constant lateness.  I was astonished at how anyone could get through life with her lack of responsibility.  Instead of having a loving conversation with Elizabeth about the way I was feeling, I distanced myself and, not long after, Elizabeth moved outside the city.  A few months after moving, Elizabeth sent me a friendly e-mail, simply to say hello and catch-up.  Since I was leery of re-igniting the friendship, I responded in a judgmental manner by offering unsolicited advice.  I never heard from Elizabeth again.

Sometime later, as I grew in my faith and closeness to God, I remembered Elizabeth, and I was greatly convicted.  I realized, without being fully conscious of it, I considered myself better than her.  Buttoned up and organized, I worked hard at my job, was dedicated to ‘church’ activities, and maintained an orderly home.  But now, I could more clearly see that I lacked the fervor and love Elizabeth had for people, a far better quality than organization.  More specifically, I lacked love for and understanding of Elizabeth, the kind of love God calls me to as a Christian.  And because of this, I lacked real joy.

Realizing I had been guilty of wrongly judging Elizabeth, I resolved to make amends.  I knew I needed to apologize.  But as soon as I thought of doing this, I tightened up inside.  I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.  I felt every part of my human side tell me, after all this time, it’s just not necessary.  Maybe I could simply confess to God… but my spiritual Jesus following side told me otherwise.

Knowing that my faith and walk with God were far more important than my pride, I forced myself to send Elizabeth an e-mail.  In it, I directly admitted my guilt of judging her.  I explained how I had been growing and was sorry for my behavior.  I asked for her forgiveness.  I told her she had no obligation to respond, I only wanted her to know I was sorry.  Elizabeth never responded.

For months following that apology, I knew sending Elizabeth an e-mail was the wrong way to apologize.  It lacked respect and courage.  Yet, I could not bring myself to call her.  And perhaps that’s why Elizabeth never responded.  If I didn’t have the courage to apologize to her directly, why did I bother to apologize at all?  Friends, I have the same question.  Why did I choose the easier way out?

Because it was easier.

Not only that, but we humans have a way of blocking our memory of things that are unpleasant to think about, especially if it protects our conscience.  I have done such a thing.  For the past six weeks, I have been struggling to write this blog post.  But a few days ago, my memory was unblocked… I remembered Elizabeth.  I remembered I hadn’t been completely obedient to my conscience.  I hadn’t been completely obedient to God.  And, once again, I knew what I needed to do.

Just before hitting the call button on my phone, my anxiety spiked.  Making that call to Elizabeth was difficult, because my “I want life to be easy and comfortable” human side just didn’t want to do it.  But I pressed on knowing obedience to God and doing the right thing were far more important than comfort.  After saying a brief prayer, I tapped the call button.  To my surprise, the call itself was relatively easy.  Elizabeth was kind but, also, unsure why I was apologizing.  What?

While I was relieved at Elizabeth’s response, I also realized her response was not the most relevant point of my story.  The point is, whether Elizabeth remembered it or not, I was indeed judgmental and ungodly in my behavior.  I was convicted in my conscience and an apology was necessary to remain at peace with myself and in right relationship with God.  When we sin against others, we sin against God.  We distance ourselves from His goodness.  Regardless of what anyone else believed or understood, God knew I had sinned.

Reflecting on my past and present behavior is often humbling and healing at the same time.  While it reminds me of mistakes I’ve made, and sometimes continue making, it also reveals how far I have come and where I still need to grow.  Without this reflection, I would remain dead in my sins, lacking true growth and healing.  I would be walking in the dark, hiding my flaws from others, pretending to have it all together. I would be a fool, ignoring the convictions of my conscience… the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  Doing what makes ‘me’ most comfortable and happy.   

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15 ESV)

God is light.  There is no darkness in Him.  When we separate ourselves from God, we separate ourselves from the light.  When we lie, refuse to apologize, or fail to do the right thing for the sake of comfort or convenience, we walk in the dark.

I have a dear friend who realized she had been taking a loved one for granted.  She was convicted of responding in ways that lacked patience and understanding.  When she confessed this realization to a small group of us, she wept with remorse and embarrassment.  She recognized she could be hurting and distancing herself from her loved one and was sorry for her behavior.

I felt closer to my friend that day.  Her humility and desire to grow, rather than dismiss what had been revealed were an encouragement.  Although she was embarrassed, I saw real beauty in her confession.  And I have no doubt her peace increased noticeably on the other side of it.  Her and her loved one also grew closer.  My sweet friend chose not to ignore her conviction, a path far too many of us pursue, and she reaped the reward of honesty with herself and others.  True peace and joy.  It took courage to walk in the light.

We too often are deceived into believing that hiding our shortcomings (and we all have them) is the way to make it in this world.  A prime example is in the workplace where blame-shifting is common.  But we still feel shame and restlessness when we attempt to conceal our wrongs, even when we’re not immediately conscious of it.  Real joy comes with confession and forgiveness, honesty, and humility.  Quite opposite the way of the world, and the prince of the world (Satan), would have us believe.

Take Adam and Eve, for example.  God created the world and everything in it and He declared that it was good.  Good meaning perfect and complete.  God gave humans the breath of life and dominion over the earth, to benefit from and care for it.  Adam and Eve were placed in the perfect and protective garden of Eden where sat the ‘Tree of Life’.  In this perfect paradise of protection and provision, Adam and Eve had only one restriction.  They could eat from all but one tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  God warns “for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”1

Enter the devil in the form of a serpent to create doubt and deception.  The devil begins with the phrase “Did God really say…?” and ends with “You will not certainly die. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  Satan adds just enough truth to his lie to create doubt, and Eve questions whether the tree will really harm her.  Both her and Adam eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Immediately after eating of the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve realize they are naked.  To cover their shame, they make clothing for themselves out of fig leaves. This is followed by avoidance of God by hiding.  When that doesn’t work (for God sees all), Adam lies to God and both Adam and Eve cast blame on others for their disobedience.  Paradise is lost.  Adam and Eve are banished from the perfect and protective garden of Eden and the tree of life provided by God that would sustain them.

What God meant for good, lies, blame, and shame polluted with evil.  Paradise freely given, quickly lost.  And today, we are no different.  We are deceived into thinking God wants to keep us from the good things in life, from the things that bring us joy.  It’s a lie that Satan keeps telling and we keep believing.

Those ‘self-seeking’ desires we carry, however small, do not come from the God who loves, but the deceiver who destroys.  Acted upon, they separate us from God and, in time, lead to restlessness and loss of peace.  The prince of darkness attempts to disguise our sinful desires as good and worthy of pursuit, but his goal is to deceive and ruin.  Friend be warned: Even the most intelligent are misled.

We live in an “everyone does what is right in their own eyes” kind of world.  One lacking unity, equity, and moral restraint.  One where we see, we want, we take2… where temptation is not something to be restrained but followed.  One where God is left out of the conversation.  And herein lies the problem.  What everyone thinks is right in their own eyes has no moral compass, nothing to bounce it off to see if it is, indeed, good and right.  We live in a world that repeats the sin committed in the garden of Eden, denying the sovereignty and goodness of God’s will for our own will and desires.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15 ESV)

There is no love in selfishness, neither is there joy in living a sin concealing life.  We should not be deceived that when we choose to gloss over the truth, refuse to apologize, willingly avoid what is right for convenience, live unfaithfully, utter false promises, blame-shift, quit when the going gets tough, avoid speaking the truth in love… that we are free of guilt and shame.  Instead, we are robbing ourselves of real joy.  And if we truly realized the significance of this loss, I believe we would choose differently.

Friend, the world is a dark place.  And that is why our Creator tells us we are to live ‘in’ the world but not ‘of’ the world.  To walk with God is to see the world through different eyes and to respond to the world with different behaviors.  And, make no mistake, if we choose to walk in the light of truth, we will stand out as different.  And there is a good chance, we will be ridiculed and rejected for this difference.

It’s much easier for those walking in darkness to reject us than join us.  If we are labeled odd or wrong, then those in the darkness will have comfort in their own behavior because our ridicule will help to quench their guilt.  This is, indeed, the very thing that happened to Jesus. 

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you… “(John 15:18-19 NIV)

The enemy is crafty.  He knows the flesh is weak and, therefore, how to deceive us in our pursuit of happiness.  Indeed, the flesh is weak and giving in to the ways of the world is far too easy.  For this, we need a power that transcends our own.  And this is where the grace and power of God comes in.  We need the power of prayer to mature us to see the truth, and to embolden us in courage.  We need the Creator of joy to lead us back to it.  The joy of living God’s design, the joy of peace, the joy of knowing and obeying our Creator.

Remember, the prince of lies will do whatever it takes to encourage us to join him in darkness.  He’ll make us believe we’ll be more accepted.  He’ll teach us that we can avoid exclusion and ridicule simply by doing what everyone else is doing.  And this part of the lie is often true.  It is likely that we will be more accepted, but this acceptance will be our only reward.  You see, the desire to fit in with the world is based on a temporary perspective… the immediate gratification we all too often seek, foregoing the long-term benefits of discipline and obedience.  This is where the lie comes in.

The way of the world, the way of darkness, is not of God.  And, if you are not for God, then you are against Him.  And this, my friend is a grave mistake.  The loss of God is the loss of everything that is eternally good.  Indeed, the choice is ours to make, and it can feel difficult, even painful, but we cannot have both.  We can choose God and light, or we can choose the world and darkness.  If I can make one plea, it’s this: The long-term, eternal, implications of choosing the world, the loss of truth, light, joy, and life are simply not worth it… “for when you eat from it you will certainly die.“   

“Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters...”  (Matthew 12:30 NIV)

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:13-14)

Something to Consider:

 

Although Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden lead to death (removal from the garden and lost access to the tree of life), and we followed suit with our own sinful behaviors, God made a way to save us from ourselves.  He sent His Son, His only Son, Jesus, to die the death we were supposed to die so that we could have life with God for eternity.  Jesus is the better Adam3.  He lived a perfect and righteous life, completely obedient to the commands of God and God’s design for living.


Jesus lived the life we were supposed to live.  He didn’t deserve death but, in His love, He chose to take it in our place.  Like a parent paying off a child’s debt they cannot pay or taking the punishment for their child’s wrong to save the child from suffering the penalty themselves, Jesus (God) made a way, in His great love and mercy, to save us.


But there’s more.  Jesus not only took our death upon Himself, but He conquered death through His great power, a power only He, as both God and man, possesses.  Jesus rose from the dead to life, and death was defeated for good.  We only need believe and accept Jesus’ gift of life to us (all of us) who could not have achieved it for ourselves.  Jesus is the Tree of Life.


And since what Jesus offers is a ‘gift’, it is not something we earn, but something that is freely given.  I repeat, nothing we can do will earn it.  We can never be good enough, righteous enough, pure enough.  Why?  Because this kind of good requires perfection, and we do not have the capacity as broken humans to be perfect.  We have already taken the bait and have been enticed by the deceiver.


Let us reflect on the significance of this gift.  We receive something, eternal life, that we cannot earn and do not deserve.  This is love, this is grace.  I am praying day by day, one day at a time, we will choose to be courageous.  That we will differ from the way of the world and choose life in Christ… eternal life, abundance, and real joy, the kind that matters for today and for eternity.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life…” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20a NIV)

References:

1 Genesis 2:17 NIV

2 Jen Wilkin: ‘God of Creation’ Bible Study

3 Jen Wilkin: ‘Better’ Bible Study

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Looking Back

Christmas Simplicity

by Tracy Brackett

12/27/11 1:04 a.m. 

Buy sparingly so that you maintain the true spirit of Christmas. Do not add stress to your days. Remember what is important. Do not overspend. Do not make Christmas chaotic, even with over decorating. I want you to feel peace at Christmas as you already know it is so important to do. Maintain peace. Think simplicity. Make this your focus and your goal. You will be glad you did.

I still remember how stressed I was the year my friends decided to have a Christmas party, including a gift exchange.  It wasn’t the party itself that caused me stress.  I was excited to come together and celebrate with friends over good food and fellowship.  I truly felt blessed to have these friends.  It was the gift exchange part of the party that spiked my anxiety.  It wasn’t a White Elephant or Secret Santa gift exchange.  Instead, everyone would be buying for everyone.  And, when you considered significant others and spouses, it translated to a lot of people!

I experienced two stresses over this event: 1) how was I going to buy that many gifts without blowing my budget? and 2) what in the world was I going to buy everyone?  Equally stressful as overspending was the desire to buy something people would like or would at least find useful.  Since we didn’t send each other wish lists, I felt lost over what would be fitting for each person.  I had a vision of what I purchased ending up in the garbage or sitting in the back corner of dresser drawers waiting for the next yard sale.  I had seen it happen before and I cringed at the waste of time and money.

For me, although I had a budget, it wasn’t about being cheap, it was more of wanting to invest my time and money into something that would make my friends smile or feel special, or maybe even understood… instead of the weight of collecting more junk that they didn’t know what to do with.  While I was blessed to have such a large group of friends, the truth was I wasn’t close to all of them and I didn’t have the foggiest idea what some of them would like.  I lost sleep that Christmas.  And I certainly lost sight of the real reason we were, or should have been, celebrating.

Christmas truly is a special time of year.  The sounds, the lights, the music, the food, and fellowship.  Friends and families gathering with love on display more than any other time of year.  What a gift God has given us in the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, the God child who grows up perfect and all deserving of everything good and right yet suffers profoundly to reconcile us back to His Father.

I wonder how many of us see this Christmas miracle for what it is.  Jesus is the radiance of God Himself, yet He humbles himself to take the form of a human.  Jesus is perfect, yet He allows the imperfection of our human world to betray, spit on, scourge, and hang Him on a cross to die.  Jesus shows mercy to the unmerciful, generosity to the undeserving, and forgiveness to the unforgiving.  And yet, all too often, we celebrate Christmas as if Jesus never existed.  In His own selfless act of sacrifice, Jesus opens the way to forgiveness and salvation, yet we forget Him.  How can this be?

Somewhere along the way, someone turned Christmas into a ‘commercialized holiday’ and so many of us followed suit.  We bought into the lie that Christmas is about the best decorations, food, and gifts money can buy.  We bought into the lie that Christmas is about us.  And we neglected to notice the stress and anxiety that came along with it.  In a world gone greedy, we forgot to see the simplicity that Christmas was meant to be.  We forgot Jesus.

We agree to greet with ‘happy holidays’ in the name of respecting unbelievers or those of other faiths.  In so doing, we neglect to respect the very reason for the celebration – Jesus.  Merry Christmas, the day our Lord and Savior was born.  Christmas is a Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus and we should not allow it to be portrayed any other way.  To allow it would be to honor man above God Himself.

I made a decision that Christmas.  I would no longer allow the stress of the season to remove my peace and joy in celebrating the birth of Jesus.  I would no longer make gifts and decorating the central purpose.  I would simplify and Jesus would be the center.  Today, Joe and I may or may not buy each other a gift at Christmas.  Often, we do not.  We focus on time with each other and time with friends.  We decorate and cook but we manage both at the lowest level of stress possible.  If it starts to feel hectic, we stop and remind ourselves of the reason for the season.  We fix our eyes on Jesus.

For Joe and me, Christmas is one of the most joyous times of the year.  But we try to remember that it is not a happy time for everyone.  For those who have lost loved ones, live alone, or are far from family, it can be very lonely.  For others, who do not have the extra funds to buy gifts, or even necessities, for their children, it is an incredibly stressful time.  We try to remember these people at Christmas and do what we can to reduce their anxiety.  Whether it’s shopping for a family in need or extending an open invitation to Christmas dinner, it’s these simple things I believe Jesus would want for His birthday.

What about you?  Do you allow Christmas to be unnecessarily stressful?  Do you insist on or feel obligated to exchange gifts?  Do you worry your image is dependent on the expense of the presents you buy, the extravagance of the meal you cook, or the perfection of your decorations?  Have you lost the joy that giving, and receiving, was meant to be?  On a scale of 1-10, what is your general stress level at Christmas?

Whoever came up with the idea of picking names when part of a large family was thinking clearly!  And whoever thought of the White Elephant gift exchange when hosting a Christmas party was a genius!  You buy one gift, which has a price limit, and instead of fretting over what to buy a specific person, you buy a general gift that most people would enjoy, or a prank gift meant to add a little laughter to the party.  The party becomes more about gathering and merriment than about pressure and spending.  With this, the joy of the season, spending memorable time with friends and family while celebrating the birth of Jesus has the possibility of being restored.

Likewise, the one who invented the Angel tree was also on to something beautiful.  Purchasing gifts or meals for those less fortunate during a time when God blessed us all is a blessing paid forward.  It’s a simple, yet powerful, act of compassion in response to our gratefulness for all we have received.  Yes, Christmas is about Jesus as well as the love and compassion we show others during the Christmas season.  This is Christmas simplicity.  This is Christmas peace. 

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.


But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”


All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).  (Matthew 1:18-23 NIV)

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Looking Back

A Restless Evil

by Tracy Brackett

7/3/12 2:17 a.m.

Words can hurt or heal. Choose to use them for healing. Select your words carefully to ensure they do not hurt. Words can be a weapon if not monitored carefully before speaking. Choose to make your words healing and loving each and every day. Choose life for yourself and others. Speak life into the lives of others. Speak love today. Every day. You do have a choice. Choose wisely.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. 

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:3-8 NIV)

Oh boy, can I speak my mind!  And while some may think this is a gift, I have not always used it as such.  In the past, I was bold and shameless and, if you behaved or responded in a way that I didn’t like, I was quite okay letting you know.  Others have told me I say what they are thinking but are too afraid to say.  Brave?  Maybe, but if you knew some of the things I said, you would be more likely to call it foolish.  All too often, I used my ‘gift’ of the tongue for harm, rather than healing. 

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21 NIV)

I think some examples would be helpful but, first, let me provide a little background.

I grew up an only girl with four brothers, three of them older.  In the early years, this meant I was teased and picked on which, without a doubt, toughened me up.  Eventually, I fought back.  Living as a meek picked on sister was just not part of my chemical make-up.  I was also a ‘go getter’ so my competitiveness led me to want to prove that I could do anything my brothers could do.  While I cared what I looked like, I was more into sports and outdoor activities than painting my nails and searching for the best skin care products.  Getting dirty and bruised were simply expected side effects of the things I enjoyed doing.  You could say I was a bit of a Tomboy.

My first job out of college was at one of the big CPA firms.  Even though I had always had high grades, I knew I was behind others at my entry level.  This is because accounting was not my original career path.  I first wanted to be a teacher… then a lawyer… then a psychologist.  Since Psychology was what I was interested in during my last year of high school, it was what I pursued in education.  But after completing my undergraduate degree, something washed over me.  I was now certain I wanted to be an Accountant!

After taking three or four introductory accounting and finance classes, I learned the CPA firms were hiring off cycle.  I had been exceling in my classes, so my accounting professor encouraged me to apply.  If nothing else, it would give me interview experience.  You can imagine my surprise when one of these firms decided to take a chance on me!  Still, I knew becoming a CPA would be no small effort.  It would require taking 13 accounting courses, while working full time, before I could sit for the CPA exam.

Anyone who knows anything about the early years in a CPA firm knows the pay is low, the hours are long, and the expectations are high.  Add a heavy course load and volunteer work and I was one tired CPA wannabe.  On top of this, I found myself, yet again, in a man’s world.  Although there were plenty of females working at the firm, the good ole boys club mentality definitely existed.  None of these things fared well for controlling my tongue.

While many of the men I worked with were respectful and professional, this was not the case for all of them. I remember one manager who was both smart and successful, yet incredibly needy at the same time.  His need for others to feed his ego was exhausting.  Another manager was derogatory toward females.  And then there were the partners.  While one of them was too friendly, another would not even say hello while passing you in the hallway.  Yet one other was so intelligent, he had no qualms treating us inexperienced staff like a necessary inconvenience.

My work environment was ripe for my competitiveness and lack of grace as a female.  It wasn’t long before I was comfortable speaking my mind.  Unfortunately, I had some growing up to do myself.  I remember clearly telling one manager that the management in the firm was the worst I had ever seen, as if I had the experience to support it.  In reality, my intent was to harm as opposed to communicate a concern.  Since I was bothered by the good ole boys club and lack of maturity and professionalism in the firm, I thought I had the right to express it.  Hurting that manager’s feelings to get this off my chest did not bother me a bit.  Talk about a hypocrite!

This was not my only vice in the workplace.  As I look back on those days and even some years following, gossip was, unfortunately, part of my common speak.  Complaining and discussing the immature and unfair things that happened in the office made me feel better, even if it meant my words were defaming another person.  Clearly, I thought I was at least a level or two above the people I was gossiping about.  In fact, I now understand gossip to be an indirect way of elevating oneself.  If others look bad, I look better.  If I can demonstrate they are immature or unfair then, clearly, I am not.  As the old saying goes, I was throwing rocks while living in a glass house!

If that is not enough, my unwise words increased when I was under the influence of alcohol.  I have always had a concern for justice and often spoke up when I perceived it was absent.  I was especially adept at speaking up for those who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) speak up for themselves.  Since I was already fearless to speak my mind in a sober state, having the decreased inhibitions that come with alcohol was a recipe for disaster.

I remember a time when a friend’s boyfriend was speaking unkindly to her while a group of us were playing pool at a sports bar.  I knew this guy had been harsh and controlling throughout their relationship and she was allowing it.  So, I proceeded, in my not so sober state, to tell him what a jerk he was and that he had no right to speak to her that way.  This resulted in blatant irritation on his part which he first took out on me and, later, on my friend.  This caused my friend to resent me for my outburst and interference in her life.  Clearly, no one won.

Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise. (Proverbs 20:1 NIV)

Sadly, my friend’s boyfriend was not the only one I scolded publicly while under the influence.  There were several other instances to my own shame and to the embarrassment of those who were with me.  My outspokenness certainly needed taming.

In truth, many of the things I spoke out against genuinely deserved addressing.  People should be fair and professional in the workplace and we should be kind and gentle with our significant others.  My problem was I had not yet learned to discern when something was none of my business.  And when it was my business, I did not know how to communicate properly and professionally.  My goal was not to lovingly correct; it was to consciously hurt.  I did not want to restore people to goodness, I wanted to condemn them for failure.  And all of this did nothing more than make me feel better about myself… superior to the people I was targeting.

While intoxication is a part of my distant past and I have grown immensely in the workplace, I wish I could say I no longer struggle with taming my tongue.  I do.  As I shared in my “The Cancer of Pride” post, I am still greatly challenged by inconsiderate personalities.  Holding my tongue in the face of self-centered management is a test that keeps on coming.  And while I have passed this test on some occasions, I regret to say I have failed on others.  The tongue is an extremely difficult thing to tame, and my tongue is no exception.

The good news is I know I am a continuous work in progress.  As I pray for the power of God to lead me to freedom from my outspoken work vice, I also pray I will honor Him in every way in these last few years of my career (and life).  I have come to learn that, if it is still today, it is not too late for improvement.  And I can look back and see how far I have come.  God has taught me much about the power of my tongue in these past many years.

I have learned how to choose my words more carefully, wait for the right time to speak (or not speak at all), refrain from gossip, and pray before a necessary confrontation.  I have learned the power of encouragement and the gentle words of forgiveness.  I have grown in the strength it takes to communicate a sincere apology and appreciate the reconciling reaction it receives from others.  And while I am immensely thankful for this growth, I am fully aware that the tongue is a ‘restless evil’.  Even as my success increases, I realize I will always need to work to control my tongue.  Letting my guard down can result in words spoken that can never be withdrawn.  Words that can set my life and the lives of others on fire.   

Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. (Proverbs 21:23 NIV)

As I grow, all too often I see others making the same mistakes I have made.  I see spouses who profess to love one another spiel words of death that cause pain and bitterness that last a lifetime.  I see parents speak to their children and children to their parents in a manner that severs those relationships for years.  I see careless and defamatory words spoken in the workplace that ruin reputations as one person seeks promotion over another, or simply out of anger or jealousy.  I see deep and long- lasting friendships broken by quick and unwise words of the tongue.

And isn’t this just where Satan wants us?  In giving in to our negative emotions and sinful desires, we usher eviler into the world with a few quick words than we care to realize.  Often, we dismiss our sinful words and attitudes simply because the other person deserved it or because everyone else is doing it.  Misery does love company.  But this is not something we should take lightly.  I believe sins of the tongue are among some of the greatest committed.  Emotional abuse, defamation, anger acted upon in an unrighteous manner, boasting, gossip, ridicule, babbling, unfulfilled promises, insincere apologies, and on and on.

While sin has deceived the tongue to evil, it was made for something better.  Though it is clear we have the power to harm, we also have the power to heal.  I urge us to choose healing.  Let us choose words of praise over condemnation, Inspiration over negativity, speaking life over discouragement, lovingly admonishing over judgmentally demeaning, hope versus complaining, respect over gossip, and intentional listening over babbling.  Or, at the very least, let us be silent when we have no kind words to speak.  Isn’t this just where God wants us?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29 NIV)

So, even as there are times when we need to speak against wrongdoing, it’s the way we do it that matters… always seeking to love and restore, rather than attack and humiliate.

Though in the past I was bold and shameless in my reproach of others, today, I want to be bold and shameless in words of life, in loving others selflessly despite their deserving, and in sharing the Gospel of Jesus as an act of love and obedience to God.  I know that my words have an impact.  While I once felt proud to thoughtlessly reprimand, I now seek to restore and encourage.  And while it’s not easy to do this on a consistent basis with those who hurt me, I believe it is fruit worth pursuing.  After all, what comes out of my mouth is a statement of ‘my’ character.  The question is this: What do you want to be known for? 

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. (Luke 6:45 NIV)

Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.  Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies. (Psalm 141:3, 4 NIV)

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Looking Back

Beyond the Surface

by Tracy Brackett

4/8/14 12:15 a.m.

Beauty comes from the inside and is lasting. Exterior beauty is fleeting. The former is the more important. Work on your inner beauty in My presence. I am the heavenly beauty maker. Your exterior beauty is enhanced by inner beauty. Believe it is true. Inner beauty can be seen by the human eye. It is more obvious than is realized. Focus on your inner beauty (character) and you will see time well invested.

They say beauty is only skin deep and, when it comes to physical beauty, I agree.  While physical beauty is alluring to many, we all know it fades in time and, one day, completely disappears.  But there is another beauty that grows more beautiful in time… one that is far deeper and much more attractive… at least to eyes that can see.

Growing up, not unlike other young females, I wanted to be thin and beautiful.  I desired lovely hair, skin, clothes, and all the other ‘attractive’ things we women seek after.  But there were limitations to my beauty that I couldn’t overcome.  For one, God gave me very white skin.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not develop a natural tan.  I would lay in the sun, trying every tanning lotion and oil that existed, as well as frequent trips to the tanning salon, to no avail.  I just wasn’t meant to tan.

Not willing to accept my pale skin, I turned to ‘tan in a bottle’.  During the summer, I wanted to look like a ‘normal’ person with beautiful, bronzed color.  But this avenue required daily maintenance as well as diligent care to avoid noticeable blotches around knees and ankles, not to mention the menace of yellow palms that could easily result from repetitive application.  The thing is, I didn’t want people to know my tan wasn’t natural… that maintaining it meant 20 minutes a day with careful application in the right places and vigilant washing in the wrong ones.  And, while I worked hard to look ‘O natural’ with my tanning secret, I was rather unsuccessful.

I clearly remember one awkward time when I was competing in a beach volleyball tournament with three of my CPA study mates.  While we were waiting for our round, it began pouring and, to my horror, my tan started running off my legs.  Before long, one of my teammates, noticing the brown and white streaks, innocently asked if I was tanning from a bottle.  Despite the fact her deductive reasoning was spot on, I adamantly assured her I wasn’t!  With a somewhat bewildered look, she chose not to press further.  And while I was grateful for her lack of prodding, I was extremely embarrassed.

Although this event led me to stop using tan in a bottle, I carried my self-consciousness about my ‘whiteness’ around for many years after.  I was simply embarrassed of my pastel exterior.  Almost equally embarrassing was the amount of hair I had on my arms for a female.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard the phrase “Holy cow, look at the hair on your arms!”, or something similar.  Unfortunately, my mother would not allow me to shave, so I lived with those comments for many years.

I could continue with the remaining list of my physical insecurities, areas I was larger than I wanted to be and other areas smaller than desired, but I think you get the picture. I had God given physical attributes that kept me feeling less than beautiful.

Do you have physical characteristics you would change if you could?  Have you spent countless hours trying to change the way you look or mourning the fact that you can’t?  Perhaps it’s your body shape, acne, nose, hair (or lack thereof), muscle mass, or height.  We all have physical insecurities.  And, oh, the time and money many of us have spent to remedy them!

But what of our interior?  Is this visible to others?  And, if it is, do we care what they see in us.  And if we do care, how much time do we spend on it?  These are questions I found myself asking when I began taking my faith walk seriously.  While I was focusing on my outer beauty, my inner beauty took a back seat in time and energy.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV)

As a now committed Christian, I firmly decided I would only marry a man of strong godly character.  With this decision, I realized I would never attract such a man if I wasn’t such a woman.  No matter how beautiful I could make myself on the outside, no matter how beautifully glowing my skin could be, this type of man would never look my way if I didn’t glow on the inside.  This class of guy is not looking for surface level beauty.  He is looking for a deeper beauty that grows and lasts a lifetime.  This kind of man would use his discerning eye to seek a woman utterly worth pursuing.  I knew I had some work to do.

I understood the kind of beauty I was now seeking was not something that comes naturally but is the fruit of diligent training.  For this kind of beauty, we are all on level playing ground.  It isn’t afforded to anyone at birth but given only to those who seek and pursue it.  It is the irresistible beauty of a strong godly character shaped and refined by God Himself, achieved by learning and following the unshakeable ways of the Lord.  This kind of beauty is marked by uncompromising integrity, transparent truth, uncommon consideration, and unforgettable strength under pressure.  This is who I wanted to marry, and this is who I wanted to be, and I was willing to invest whatever time was necessary to have it.

Fortunately, God gave me some examples to live by.  Besides the biblical examples of Ruth, Sarah, and others, I once worked with a woman that exuded this inner beauty.  This woman wasn’t physically beautiful on the outside but her consistent kindness and genuine consideration for others were unmistakable.  Her lack of self-focus, integrity in her work, and encouragement of others made her a beam of light in the darkness.  She radiated the qualities of Jesus.  Her inner strength and beauty made her beautiful all around and I desired to be just like her.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)

On the other hand, have you ever met someone who was incredibly attractive on the outside, yet their attractiveness waned the more you came to know them?  I remember a time when I met a guy I was immediately attracted to.  He was handsome, smart, and confident.  I decided I wanted to get to know him a little better… but as I spent time in his company, he grew more and more unattractive.  His physical beauty had not changed but his arrogance and self-focus were more than repulsive.  For me, his God given attractiveness quickly faded into the background and he began to look like many of the other men I came across… part of everyday scenery that hardly receives notice.

When I met Joe, it was different.  Admittedly, Joe first stood out to me by physical attraction.  But as I spent time in his presence, that attraction grew deeper and deeper.  Joe did not drive a nice car, live in a big house, or have a lot of money.  Our first date consisted of getting to know each other during a nature walk, followed by dinner at an inexpensive restaurant.  As we shared stories and facts about our lives, I could see a guy who had no false pretenses.  He was simply who he was.  Humble and simple, yet genuine and accepting.  Joe was sold out to the things of God and, while he had some areas he needed to grow in, he was submissive to that growth through an obedient and teachable heart.  I knew I had found a gem amongst a world of false stones.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7 ESV)

Today, I barely give notice to my pale skin.  And while I know I would be physically prettier with a tan; I also know this type of beauty is incredibly unimportant in the eyes of God… and equally unimportant in Joe’s eyes.  Despite my physical imperfections, God created me the way He wanted me to be.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, in the image of my Creator.  And while God did not give me everything, He gave me gifts and talents that He did not give to everyone.  He made me for a unique purpose, and He expects me to use my gifts to live out His will in my life.  I have been grateful for the freedom this realization provides.  Learning the true meaning of beauty has given me peace in my physical imperfections and deeper goals worth pursuing.

As I age, I see more and more how fragile my body is.  Youth dying year after year, yet maturity and wisdom always increasing.  While my body grows weaker, my contentment grows stronger.  And while my physical eyes age and fade, my spiritual eyes see ever more clearly.  This is where I want to be.  There is no place more beautiful.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14 NIV)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16 NIV)

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Looking BackStill Growing

Four Essential Keys to Success: #3 Obedience

by Tracy Brackett

11/8/11 12:03 a.m.

Obedience. Joy. Peace. They are connected. You can have all three. I set them before you. Choose obedience and by so doing you also choose joy and peace. May joy and peace be yours, the joy and peace only I can give. Not that of the world but that of the Divine. Choose obedience over sacrifice. Obedience is key.

 

11/14/11 3:24 a.m.

Obedience. This is what I ask for. Consistent obedience yields peace and joy. You will see, and you will be glad. Obey always and these gifts will be yours.

 

8/30/14 4:00 a.m.

Obedience is key and is more valuable than sacrifice. Obey My commands My child and feel freedom. My commands are not burdensome. My commands are for your safety and protection. They are laced with love for your well-being. Follow My commands and success will be yours today.

Obedience.  Parents expect it of their children, teachers of their students, and the legal system of citizens.  Disobedience offends the lawmaker and, when it is rampant, chaos often ensues.  Those who are obedient often receive accolades while those caught disobeying are punished.  Punishment is rightfully painful.  It is a means of encouraging obedience.

Laws serve to create order, teachers want us to grow and learn, and parents seek our success and protection.  God wants these things too.  It’s not that difficult to understand.  Yet, many of us still disobey. 

In my ‘About This Blog’ page, I shared my ‘delay’ in obedience in starting this blog.  In my confession, I described how fear had led to my disobedience.  In fearing man more than God, I disobeyed the only One I should fear.  You see, when we repeatedly disobey God’s commands or what we believe He is calling us to do, we risk receiving His discipline.

Sometimes God’s discipline is obvious.  Other times it is not.  In His quest to set us back on a straight path, God’s discipline may be something painful that he causes us to endure, or He may withhold something that we deeply desire.  In the Old Testament, we see God’s discipline for blatant and recurring disobedience when He sends the Israelites into the captivity of their enemies.  They are exiled from their own land and scattered where they are oppressed by other nations.  This discipline causes the Israelites to consider their ‘ways’ and turn back to the Lord for rescue and freedom. 

Another sober example of discipline from the Old Testament is when the Israelites disobeyed God in the desert.  God had miraculously rescued them from slavery to Egypt and promised to bless if they were obedient to His laws.  On their way to the land God promised their ancestors, the Israelites complained and rebelled on several occasions, including the worship of other gods.  The Israelites also feared the ‘giants’ who inhabited the land they were promised not believing they (i.e. God) could defeat them.  As a result, God caused the Israelites to wander in the desert for 40 years.  He allowed all (except two who believed) who were rescued from Egypt to die before entering the land they so eagerly anticipated.

God continues to discipline His disobedient children today.  In my ‘Growing Pains’ post, I talked about a sleep disorder that practically debilitated me for close to a year.  I believe that sleep disorder, which I still suffer from today, could be the result of my disobedience.  I didn’t say so in that post because it was part of another story… this story.  And while this correlation may sound silly on the surface, allow me to explain my reasoning. 

In other posts, I told you of my recurring challenges concerning high expectations of people and how I struggle most with those who are selfish and arrogant.  I have had this issue of being ‘judgmental’ for many, many years.  Even typing it causes me embarrassment.  Judgmentalism is not something anyone wants to admit.  But if I am going to be ‘obedient’ in maintaining this blog, I owe it to God and to you to be completely transparent.

I mentioned above that God will discipline repeated disobedience.  I’ve known for a long time that I do not love all people as I should.  I have even prayed for God to change me, but I haven’t always been faithful in fulfilling my part of that change.  I would pray for a while and then forget about it for a longer while.  I would try to be more loving in the beginning, but then allow something else to distract those efforts.  Make no mistake, none of us are able, on our own, to change without the power of God.  But change takes two.  How could I expect God to change me when I was only half invested?  It’s like asking God to send me a paycheck when I’m not willing to work. 

Since I was not consistent in praying for and intentionally working on my character flaw of judgment, I never did get past it.  Yet, God wills for me to change.  He knows I desire to serve Him, but He also knows not loving as I should hinders my effectiveness.  It dishonors His name and dilutes my influence.  For my good and for His glory, God wants me to experience real and lasting change.  And since God has convicted me multiple times concerning this sin, to no avail, I believe He is using discipline to help me take it more seriously.

I have always slept wonderfully… up until I didn’t.  When I started experiencing frequent awakenings at the age of 39, there was no logical explanation.  My doctor did not even consider sending me for a sleep study until almost a year after the onset.  Up until the study, we tried everything without success.  When the sleep study confirmed I had hypopnea, it was quite a surprise.  Generally, hypopnea and its counterpart, sleep apnea, are caused by obesity, enlarged tonsils, excessive overbite, menopause, smoking, and other things I did not have or do.  My doctor was puzzled.

I told you I began using a CPAP machine following my hypopnea diagnosis and began sleeping well again.  This was true for the first few months.  In under a year, my recurring awakenings returned, even while using the CPAP machine.  At this point I began to pray for God to reveal the reason.  A short time later, I went on a personal retreat in the mountains.  I was alone with the Lord for 5 days studying His Word, praying, worshiping, journaling, and listening.  During my time there, I prayed fervently for answers.  I wanted to know if the sleep disorder was the result of sin. 

It’s difficult to appreciate the experience of a Jesus-focused retreat unless you’ve been on one (or something similar).  When you give God your undivided time and attention, He responds in profound and amazing ways.  During this retreat, I felt very strongly that God was, once again, reminding me that I was carelessly judgmental.  And, once again, I found myself weeping over my sinfulness.

At this point, I had been journaling “messages” in the middle of the night for just a few months. Following my confession, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning.  As usual, I picked up my pen and paper prepared to journal.  But the night was empty with silence.  I waited.  Minutes passed and, still, nothing.  I began to pray.  Lord, what is it that you want me to do?  I am awake and listening.  Not a second passed.  I can’t explain it, but I spontaneously knew God wanted me to leave my CPAP mask on the nightstand and lay my head back on the pillow without it.  I quickly fell asleep and didn’t awake again until morning, refreshed and rejuvenated.  I have not used a CPAP machine since that retreat. 

Perhaps God felt the weight of my confession, and this was His way of responding.  I really can’t say for sure.  I just know it was a blessing.  But my confession was only the beginning of my growth journey.  Obedience following confession is critical in our walk with God.  As you know from prior posts, I still fall short in my genuine love for others.  Although I no longer use a CPAP machine, I still wake up more than desired in the wee hours of the morning.  The awakenings are less frequent, and they no longer debilitate me, but it’s rare for me to feel 100% refreshed.  Deep down, I know I am not where God wills me to be.  Perhaps that’s why my sleep is not where I will it to be.  A constant reminder of my disobedience when it comes to others.      

Though it’s only recent, I do now have a genuine and consistent desire to love others sincerely and completely.  I pray for it on a regular basis and monitor myself both during and following frustrating interactions.  Lasting and consistent change takes time, especially when you have carried certain behaviors for years.  But I believe I will attain this change because I am, at last, ‘all in’.  My will is now in line with the Lord’s when it comes to His people, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to grow in this area.  I can already see God softening my heart toward others as I seek to understand from their perspective and, more importantly, from the perspective of Jesus who died for all of us.

Absent God speaking to me audibly, I may never know for sure if my sin of judgment and disobedience dealing with it is the cause of my sleep issues.  Regardless, the fact remains I have a sin problem that needed addressing.  Even if I’m wrong about my sleep, if it ‘woke me up’ to take my disobedience seriously, then it’s all for good and not evil. 

In the book of Hebrews, the author warns Christian believers to pay careful attention to what they have heard and learned about the Supremacy and salvation of Jesus… so that they do not drift away from the truth.  In the “Christ-Centered Exposition” commentary, Mohler makes the important point that there is no such thing as standing still in the Christian life.  There are those who are paddling toward and those who are paddling away from Jesus.  Then there are those who are not paddling at all.  They are drifting due to doing nothing. 

We must row toward Jesus, against the tide of culture, lest we drift away.  In other words, we need to intentionally pay attention to and obey the Word of God.  Hearing the Word of God but not obeying guarantees we will drift away spiritually until we find ourselves far from the Lord.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says… whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  (James 1:22, 25 NIV)

Judging others is a very real current in our world that I need to paddle against to ensure I am no longer swept up in it.  By doing nothing, I allowed myself to drift from the command of God to love His people.  Whatever way the Father chooses to reveal my disobedience, I thank Him for His discipline.

While God will discipline for continued disobedience, He also loves to reward obedience, both this side of heaven and in eternity.  While I believe our key focus should be on obtaining rewards in heaven, on things that are eternal, I will first share some examples of blessings I have experienced on earth, since God often chooses to give both. 

I remember a time early in my career when I was miserable due to poor treatment by one of my superiors.  This woman, who I will call Becky, was well known for her harsh character.  If she liked you, you were fine but if she didn’t, look out!  Becky had a strong dislike for auditors and, since I had been an auditor immediately before I began supporting her team, she simply did not like me. 

After supporting Becky for almost a year, a higher-level position opened within the company.  I decided to apply for it.  Anything to get away from Becky!  I was interviewed by the executive overseeing the open position and the interview went well.  He encouraged me to sleep on it.  If I were still interested, he would have me meet with the president of the division. 

That evening, I prayed over the potential new role and continued praying the next morning.  Part way through the day, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was not meant to pursue the new position.  I had the sense that I was prematurely ‘running’ from a tough situation that God was not yet ready to release me from.  I desperately wanted to be released, so this was not the answer I was hoping for.  But the feeling was too strong.  I reluctantly told the executive who had interviewed me that I was withdrawing my application. 

Two weeks later, I heard that division of the company was told to cut costs, so Executive Management decided not to fill the open position but, instead, to eliminate it!  I can’t imagine how embarrassed I would have been had I continued pursuing the role and then had to crawl back to the place I was hoping to escape from.  And to top it off, just a few months later, I was approached by management to take on another role within the company, and I gladly accepted.  In my new role, I was shown great respect and favor by both my Supervisor and the more senior management team above me.  God’s blessing was plentiful! 

A few years later, after Joe and I were married, we celebrated paying off our small house.  We loved and felt blessed by this home.  Still, because of our love for hospitality, we had a desire for a larger one.  Our current home could only accommodate a couple of people for dinner due to a small eating area, and the yard was almost nonexistent.  We excitedly began discussing the purchase of a new house that would meet our hospitality aspirations.  But about a month into this discussion, I felt a strong pull to put our savings toward something else.  I shared my thoughts with Joe and, together, we prayed about it. 

After a couple of weeks, we concluded we were not meant to buy the new house.  We needed to be obedient to where we felt the Lord was leading us.  I was disappointed but reminded myself that our current home was plenty for the two of us and God would provide a larger home in His timing.  We agreed to remove the new house from our current thinking.

Six months later, God blessed us abundantly!  During annual merit increases and bonus timing, I received not only an above average raise, but the largest bonus of my career.  At about the same time, Joe worked for a small company that did not give annual merits, but he was unexpectedly given one.  I was astonished!  Joe and I were now able to buy a larger home.

Today, our goal is to use the larger home God has blessed us with for His glory, to share both what we’ve been given physically as well as the love of Jesus.  We host a Bible Study group and, although we do not have children, we have space for a designated playroom for childcare during the studies.  We also enjoy inviting both small and large groups of neighbors and friends for cookouts and bonfires, as well as indoor celebrations such as Thanksgiving and Easter.  God has blessed us indeed!

I don’t want to give the impression that God’s blessings for obedience will come within a short period of time or will always be immediately noticeable.  Sometimes, years pass and sometimes we do not see visible blessing at all.  Other times blessings are subtle, yet incredible.  For example, following God’s will (obedience) activates His power in our lives (blessing #1) and shapes us into the person we were created to be.  Since God’s will is perfect, the person we were created to be is the best possible person we can be (blessing #2).  We were created for a meaningful purpose.  Knowing and living out that purpose leads to peace and joy (blessing #’s 3 & 4)! 

I also want to point out that we should not be obedient to the commands of God purely for earthly blessing.  Don’t get me wrong, I love, appreciate, and even want God’s earthly blessings but I do not obey Him for the sake of those blessings.  God wants us to obey Him because we have come to know, love, and trust His ways, whether we are rewarded or not.  He wills that we come to a place where our obedience is not out of hope for earthly blessing, or fear of punishment, but because of who He is.  We are content to obey a righteous and loving God.

Sometimes following God’s will requires sacrifice.  While the outcome of obedience is always favorable in the end, obedience itself is not always easy.  But it is an act of worship that sets us apart as Christians.  In becoming the person we were created to be, we become more like Christ and, through this, God is glorified.  We honor God with our lives!  When we honor God with our lives, we point others to Jesus, the One who gives and sustains life. These, my friend, are definitions of true success!  And these will earn you the best blessings, treasures in heaven. 

Rewards in heaven are the greatest and most important blessings because they will last for eternity.  That is why the bible tells us we should live our lives with an eye toward eternity.  If our focus is on things eternal, our heart will be there also.  Life on earth is but a speck in eternity.  A speck.  Like a grain of sand on the seashore and a drop of water in the ocean, life on earth is a mere breath compared to eternity.  Here today, gone tomorrow.      

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6: 19-21 ESV)

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

Think of these heavenly blessings in terms of delayed gratification.  Like receiving a college degree after four years of study, and retirement after years of working, rewards in heaven will be worth the wait… and far superior.  Yes, our rewards in heaven, should we choose to pursue them, will be beyond our imagination.  Plus, we will be enjoying them for eternity in the very presence of Jesus!

To be clear, I would like to pause to mention an important difference between salvation (living in eternity with God) and the rewards we receive while we are there (treasures in heaven).  Salvation comes only through ‘belief’ in the saving and finished work of Jesus.  There is nothing we can do to earn it. 

God is a pure, perfect, and righteous God who cannot live in the presence of sin.  And we humans have all sinned.  God is also a just God… therefore, all sin will receive a just penalty, which is death.  That’s the bad news.  Now here’s the good news: Jesus willingly took our sins upon Himself and suffered the penalty of death in our place.  And because our debt for sin has been paid by Christ, we are purified by His blood.  God sees our sin no more and we are, thereby, able to live with Him in eternity.  This is the story of salvation. 

Rewards in heaven, on the other hand, are earned by how we live today.  Obediently following God’s will has favorable consequences for eternity.  Consequences that are worth pursuing.  Not pursuing these eternal rewards through obedience would be foolish because they are the only ones that are permanent! 

And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. (1 Peter 5:4 NIV)

Our obedience also impacts others by showing them a different way to live.  A way that is eternally better than the way of this world.  A way that was opened by the obedience of Jesus Himself, obedience to the point of death.  And through His death, the world was offered salvation.  If Christ would not have obeyed, we would be dead in our sin.  Just like Adam’s disobedience led us to death, Jesus’ obedience gave us life!

Are you living in obedience with an eye toward heaven or do you chase the pleasures of this temporary world?  Do you believe in eternity?  On earth, we are living in a speck of eternity, but it is up to us to choose where and how we will live in eternity following the speck.  I pray we choose wisely. 

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. (Deuteronomy 30:19, 20a NIV)

However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him. (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)

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Looking Back

Four Essential Keys to Success: #1 Quiet Time

by Tracy Brackett

2/1/12 5:05 a.m.

Get up early and spend time with Me. Pray. Ask Me questions. I will answer you. Let us have conversation. I wait for you each morning. It is our time together. A Holy time. It is when you will hear Me best before the chaos of the day begins. It is a silent and beautiful time. Seek Me and you will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your energy. This will be a time of relationship for us. I will build your character and train you in many ways. I will give you wisdom. Be faithful to this time and I will bless you in abundant ways. Know that I long to bless you. Set aside this time and I will meet you. You will feel My presence and you will know I’m with you, that I guide you and I love you. Invest faithfully in our relationship and you will have abundant joy and gladness of heart. You will have an impact on people everywhere, through My power. Through the power you receive during your time with Me. I will work through you and all will know I am your God. Allow Me to bless you so you can bless others. Start today and know that I love you. Know that I love you deeply.

We’ve all heard of type A and B personalities.  Type A personalities are competitive, organized, ambitious, impatient, work and goal focused, highly aware of wasted time and/or aggressive.  Type B personalities are laid back, creative, deep thinkers, and less rushed and stressed than their type A counterparts.  Neither personality is better than the other.  They are simply different. 

I am a type A personality.  My simple definition is go-go-go, do-do-do.  Let’s get it done!  There’s no time like the present!  The more I accomplish in a day, the more satisfied I feel.  And I lack fulfillment when I don’t meet my own expectations.  This means slowing down does not come easy for me. 

Not long after I gave my heart to Jesus, I started to hear, read, or see the words from Psalm 46:10 on a recurring basis: Be still and know that I am God.  I would hear them in a church sermon, see them written on a plaque at the Christian store, or read them in a devotional.  And it seemed these words were popping up far too often to be accidental.  It wasn’t long before I began to sense God was speaking to me.   

Although I read my Bible and participated in church activities, my ever-busy lifestyle often left me with little time to truly focus on my relationship with God.  My Bible reading was more random than consistent and sometimes, if I am honest, I squeezed it in unfocused to check it off my ‘to do’ list.  Simply put, rather than God having priority in my life, He often received whatever time I had leftover.  I can’t tell you how many times I thought about reading my bible but convinced myself I would ‘get to it’ once I finished cleaning the house… going to the gym… meeting a friend for lunch… fill in the blank!  Then, the day would pass, and I would remember that I never did get to it.   

Be still and know that I am God.  In the Bible, there is a story about two sisters, one named Martha and the other named Mary.  Both sisters deeply loved Jesus, but they had different personalities.  Here is a brief passage:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42 NIV)

At this point, you can easily guess that I am “a Martha”.  I knew God wanted me to give Him my ‘undistracted’ time.  And I knew that spending daily time with Him was important to my faith walk.  I simply struggled to do this together with all the other things I felt were important and loved to do.  I had a full-time job, attended, and participated in church activities, exercised, spent time with friends, along with responsibilities such as grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning.  The day just didn’t seem long enough, and I couldn’t figure out how to do ‘it all’.

“Lay down what’s good and find what’s best” (‘Breathe’ by Jonny Diaz, underline added).  This song says so much.  Although it was published several years after I developed the habit of a daily ‘quiet time’ at the feet of Jesus, it describes my situation perfectly.  Looking back, God was showing me there are, indeed, many ‘good’ things to pursue in life, but not all things are ‘necessary’.  I needed to first learn and pursue the necessary and then fill the rest of my available time with my choice of the good.  I needed to reorganize my priorities.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity." (Jeremiah 29:13-14 NIV, emphasis added)

In this scripture, the Israelites, God’s chosen people, were in the ‘captivity’ of another nation because they had sinned and turned away from God.  They were unfaithful to their covenant with Him and were worshiping other gods.  God was asking them to turn back to Him so He could bless them and bring them out of captivity.  While this was a specific type of captivity, there is a parallel in our world today. 

Although many of us do not realize it, we are in captivity to something.  For me, I was captive to my ‘to do’ list, and desire to accomplish much in a day.  My go-go-go, do-do-do personality had become my false god and I was prioritizing this over the real thing, the One and only God.  God wanted me to slow down, take a deep breath, sit at His feet, and learn what is ‘necessary’.  He wanted to set me free from the things that weighed me down.  Eventually, I began to listen.      

For me, the key to developing consistent time with the Lord was to schedule it at the beginning of my day.  Since I am a morning person, am prone to distractions once the day begins, and have less energy in the evening, I knew getting up early was the time God would receive my greatest focus.  But this took practice and I did not do it well in the beginning.  Sometimes I would struggle to get out of bed, or I would fall asleep in the middle of my time with the Lord.  Occasionally, I would decide the night before that I was up too late and needed to sleep in.  I would vow to get to my quiet time later in the day… though I rarely did.  But God kept working on me in the patient way He does.  Little by little, my consistency increased until a morning quiet time became part of my everyday schedule. 

I’ve been sitting at the feet of Jesus for several years now and it’s rare to have a day without it.  It’s become a vital part of my life.  I have come to recognize the necessary.  And because I have been seeking God with all my heart, I have found Him, and I have come to know Him.  To know God is to see His radiance and glory that shines above all else.  This knowledge is unmistakably beautiful.

My daily time with the Lord has given me a more accurate assessment of self.  As Jen Wilkin puts it, “the knowledge of God and the knowledge of self always go hand in hand”.  Because God is everything excellent, I see that I am not.  Because God is all loving, I see that I need to grow in this area.  Because God is all knowing, I see that my knowledge is limited.  Because God is all powerful, I see that I am comparatively weak… and on and on.  Spending time at the feet of Jesus has shown me who I am in relation to who He is.  I am humbled because I see that He is far greater, wiser, more grace filled, patient, and forgiving than I will ever be.  This leads me to stand in awe of a God who is everything and in need of nothing.  Yet, He is a God who still wants a relationship with me.      

During these morning hours, I have also seen more clearly where I have been wrong in specific behaviors and responses.  It motivates me to grow and improve.  It shows me the right path and provides wisdom for the journey.  I have seen a decrease in unwise choices.  It increases my desire to serve others with my time, gifts, and treasure.  I have learned to apologize humbly and forgive gracefully. I have learned to trust and love more.  My desires have changed, and my life has been simplified.  And while I still have much growth in front of me, I can look back and see a difference between where I am now and where I was then… before a consistent quiet time at the feet of Jesus.   

To have this relationship with the Lord, I have had to give up other things.  Good things.  Sometimes it is sleep, sometimes it is exercise, sometimes it is time with a friend.  But in all examples, Jesus has been worth it.  And God is so abundant in His giving, that I have not felt unnecessary pain or want in the sacrifice.  Sometimes I find there is more time in the day to do the things I enjoy than I realized.  A task I think will take two hours only takes one… or something I thought I had to do was canceled or taken care of by someone else.  I’ve heard it said, “You can’t out give God” and I have absolutely found this to be true in my own life.    

I believe a daily quiet time with our sovereign God, at the feet of Jesus, is one of the essential keys to true success.  Knowledge of, love for, and trust in the God who created us.  Insight into the profound sacrifice Jesus made to save us.  More accurate knowledge of self, leading to repentance and change.  Awareness of false gods, leading to freedom from things that weigh us down.  Wisdom for our journey.  A simplified life.  Peace.  A softened heart toward others.  Lasting joy only God can give.  And treasures in heaven that endure for eternity.    

You may or may not be a type A personality, but you have your own distractions that may be keeping you from sitting at the feet of Jesus.  Do you need to lay down what’s good and find what’s best?  Are you missing the ‘necessary’ in your day to day living?  What habits or things represent your false gods?  From what do you need to be freed? 

Friend, do you hear it?  Listen carefully.  Breathe.  Take a seat at the feet of Jesus.  God speaks to all of us: “Be still and know…”

“Be still and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10 NIV)

I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts. (Psalm 119:45 NIV)

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Looking BackStill Growing

The Cancer of Pride

by Tracy Brackett

1/19/14 2:42 AM

Be higher. Take the higher road than those who refuse to obey My commands. Treat others well regardless of how they treat you. Be above the immaturity and unprofessionalism. Do not get even. Do not be unprofessional. Be the adult. Be the Christian. Know that your response and behavior matter. You are representing Me, and your representation matters for My kingdom. People can be turned off from Me based on your behavior in only one circumstance. It is not worth the chance to lose one soul, one child of Mine. Think of the seriousness of this. Your response matters. Respond according to My will always. According to My way. It is the only true way. It leads to grace and love and salvation. Share My way with others and see the kingdom value of your actions. Love is the key.

One of my greatest challenges of all time, and one that I continue to struggle with today, is humble submission in the workplace.  To be clear, I find it easy to submit to those who are kind, considerate, realistic, reliable, humble, and driven by integrity.  I think we all do.  But I do not have a great track record of responding well to what I consider poor leadership.  Over and over, I have failed the test of workplace submission in the face of a Supervisor who has been inconsiderate, unreliable, unrealistic, self-centered, dishonest, or simply mean.  In fact, I clearly remember one such Supervisor, who I will call Tina for the purpose of this post, who proved to be a solid test for my weakness in this area.  The very memory causes me to cringe.

Tina was a Christian, had a bubbly personality, and was well liked by executive management.  She was also a hard worker and had high career aspirations.  From the outside looking in, I expect you would see Tina in a positive light.  But, from the inside, she was more like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one moment kind and considerate and the next surprisingly mean.  At first, I couldn’t understand why executive management favored her.  Over time, however, I saw that Tina was quite adept at workplace politics.  While those below her had the misfortune of seeing Mr. Hyde, those equal to or above her status only saw the easy to get along with Dr. Jekyll.

Tina made promises she didn’t keep and showed favoritism among team members.  She would say things to scare the team into working long hours for a deadline that didn’t actually exist, sometimes causing missed commitments in our personal lives.  And because Tina was comfortable with subtle manipulation to get what she wanted; I would often see inconsistencies in the things she said without her even realizing it.  She even knew how to word e-mails, at times slightly deceiving, in her own favor.  Her main goal in life seemed to be climbing the corporate ladder and she was, in fact, particularly good at it.  But for me, and some other employees below her ranks, she was less than deserving.

For a long time, I was outwardly submissive to Tina knowing it is what God calls me to do, but inside I was full of resentment.  Eventually, I attempted to talk to Tina about how her management style was affecting my team, including our work-life balance.  She would not hear it.  We just needed to get the work done.  She had no sympathy for extracurricular activities.  A couple of times, I was unsuccessful at containing my resentment and candidly showed my anger and frustration… but Tina was retaliatory.  My show of anger resulted in additional work received at 5 PM (to be completed that day) or embarrassment in staff meetings.  I greatly disrespected Tina and everything about her.

Sitting here reflecting, I can honestly say I felt justified in my dislike for Tina.  In my mind, she was completely self-focused and did not deserve my respect.  You might even agree with me.  But let me dissect this a little further so we can see it from multiple angles.

First, what did my release of anger accomplish?  Sure, it made me feel better for a moment, but it certainly didn’t make my work life any easier.  I also allowed it to steal my joy beyond the workplace.  Resentment emanating from pride is like cancer.  I carried it home with me and, by harboring it, I allowed it to spread and negatively affect my personal life as well.

Second, remember that Tina was a professed Christian.  While her management style certainly didn’t reflect this, I responded to this wrong with another wrong by not controlling my anger.  In so doing, I dishonored my own Christianity.

… for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:20 ESV)

Not only did I disrespect someone who was placed over me, but I also disrespected God by not obeying His command to be submissive to those He places over me. 

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (Romans 13:1-2 NIV)

I fully realize this scripture will be hard to swallow for many readers and, believe me, it has also been challenging for me.  It is extremely difficult to believe that God would purposely place someone over us who is not godly.  But I have come to understand that sometimes God allows these situations as part of our purification – the kind I talked about in my “Growing Pains” post.  For example, I would not have seen my own weakness if I always reported to honest and considerate Supervisors.  If everything were to my liking, I would not have seen, over and over, how much my pride affects my response in the workplace.  The truth is my struggle with Tina was not the first time I allowed my pride to manifest in outspoken anger.  I believe God allowed this situation for my growth and character refinement and, quite possibly, for the growth and character refinement of Tina.  God works in unknown ways that we sometimes find hard to understand but, make no mistake, God is always working for good.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV)

And by learning to submit to those God places over me, I am submitting to God Himself.  

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving (Colossians 3:23-24 NIV)

Lastly, think about who may have been watching.  If I am not following the commands of God, I am falsely representing Him to those who know I call myself a Christian.  Think of the impact of this truth.  If I call myself a Christian, then I affiliate myself with Jesus Christ.  Those who know something about Christianity (Tina and others) expect certain behaviors of me both within and outside the workplace.  When those behaviors are not exhibited, they will either doubt my sincerity as a follower of Christ or, if their own faith is weak or new, they may see my ‘example’ as an acceptable Christian behavior.  And for those who know nothing about Christianity, they will wrongly learn about Christ through observing my non-Christ-like behavior.  They will not see the love and forgiveness God offers through Jesus and they may be turned off from Christianity all together.  Now my pride has ‘infected’ others.  For Tina, she did not get to witness God’s grace through my patient and loving response to her… simply because I failed to exhibit a patient and loving response.

On the other hand, if I would have swallowed my pride and showed respect and grace toward Tina, she (and others) would have seen there was something different about me.  I would have given them a picture of Jesus.  Over time, Tina may have even softened toward change in herself.  I lost that opportunity. 

I understand showing kindness to someone who hurts us is not only counter intuitive but extremely difficult.  We want to lash back.  We want them to feel the same pain we feel.  We do not want to turn the other cheek.  But that is the mysterious beauty of our God.  He calls His children to love differently than the world loves, and He calls us to do it even when it hurts.  God loves us and forgives us despite the fact we really don’t deserve it.  This is the very definition of grace – we receive something we did not earn and do not deserve.  God is simply asking us to offer others the same grace He shows us.  In addition to this, God wants to change our hearts so that we can outwardly love without inward resentment.  It was the resentment I held in my heart toward Tina that lead to my angry outburst. 

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Matthew 12:34b NIV)

Had I not harbored that resentment, there would have been no temptation toward anger.  As humans, this ‘heart change’ is not something we can easily accomplish on our own.  We are broken vessels in need of repair.  We need the power of God’s Spirit working in us and we need to pray for this change.  Will God answer this prayer?  Absolutely!  Why wouldn’t God want to give us something that makes us more like Him? 

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26 NIV)

The most important question is can I put my love for and obedience to God before my pride?  If I want to be an accurate representation of Jesus, I must.  People do not see the love of God through dissension.  If I choose my pride over grace and god-like love for others, then I am a ‘cafeteria Christian’, picking and choosing which of God’s commands I will follow.  As a Christian with true saving faith, I should want to follow all of them.  And I do.  And when I do, I need to trust God with the outcome.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. (Romans 12:17 NIV)

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:19 NIV)

For the past two weeks, I have been praying daily for God’s love and grace to penetrate my very soul so that it fills my heart and overflows to others – to those I think are deserving and to those I think are not.  Friend, don’t under-estimate your example and impact on others.  People are watching closer than you think.  Let us aspire to love like Jesus, the One who gave His very life for those who hated and betrayed Him. 

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:7-8 NIV)

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Looking Back

Growing Pains

by Tracy Brackett

5/28/13  5:19 a.m.

Be fruitful. Bear much fruit. The time will come when you will see the reason for your sorrow today. The growth and beauty that will flow from this will be worth the pain and sorrow. You cannot grow to perfection without the fire. Be thankful for the fire knowing its purpose is favorable. Endure a little longer My child. Your end is near. Freedom will follow. Joy will be your friend. Know the purpose and rejoice. Look forward in hope and faith. Not one minute longer than necessary will I allow the fire to burn. You will see joy again. You are loved and you are blessed. This period of training will pass.

Several years ago, I felt a strong pull to wake up an hour earlier so I could double my prayer and bible study time.  During this period, I experienced what I would describe as exponential growth in my faith and love for Jesus.  I was feeling both the presence of God and an indescribable joy on a consistent basis.  A few months in, I began feeling hungry for more growth and I vividly remember praying this prayer: “God, I’m asking You to prune me.  I don’t care how much it hurts or how long it lasts, I just want to grow.  I can handle it.” 

Knowing what I know now, I can’t tell you how naïve that prayer was. No doubt, I genuinely wanted to grow stronger in my relationship with God – it was a pure desire.  And I knew that God will always say yes to a request that is in line with His will for my life.  But there is more to this story… 

The pruning began immediately… first with difficult relationships at work.  Although never perfect, throughout my career, I had mostly experienced good work relationships and some of my greatest friendships came from the workplace.  But this was a challenging period of trying to balance managing employees and friendship with employees.  I suspect it was difficult for them as well.  In time, this did work itself out but not without some tough discussions and uncomfortable pain points.  This situation helped me grow in experience, not only as a manager, but as a manager from a Christian viewpoint.  It provided an opportunity to see things from another person’s perspective, an opportunity to see I am not always right.   

Next, I began experiencing subtle exclusion in a Christian friendship group, something I never would have expected.  These were friends who seemed to have one foot in and one foot out when it came to their faith and I felt I was sometimes excluded because of my conservatism.  Of course, it may have been for another reason but it was still hurtful to feel excluded, especially by professed Christians. Honestly, it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I looked back on that hurt and was reminded that all Christians are in different stages of their walk with the Lord.  Just as God is patient with me in the areas I am still growing, I must be patient and loving with others.   

Not long after my “prune me” prayer, I was asked to take on a new role at work.  The company had just gone through a merger.  The surviving executive management team made the decision to move the accounting for both companies to North Carolina where I was located.  None of the existing employees were willing to relocate so I was asked to lead the transition.  This consisted of hiring a new team and traveling with them for several weeks to train with the departing teams.  I accepted the offer knowing it was a good career move.

The job of pouring through resumes, interviewing, and onboarding 13 new employees all by itself was a feat I hadn’t anticipated.  This, in addition to the actual workload, travel, training, and stress (for both new and old employees), was truly unmanageable on my own… but the thought of failing or giving up was contrary to my personality.  Three months in, I did gather the courage to speak to my Supervisor about the workload.  He nodded, acknowledged, and then did nothing.  Five months in, I consulted with the Worldwide Controller.  I admitted the workload was too great and although every effort was put forth to accomplish the goal, including extremely long hours, deadlines were being missed and employee work was not receiving proper review.  His solution: “Just don’t work the long hours.”  Finally, eight months in, I gathered the courage to write a letter to my Supervisor, the Worldwide Controller, and the CFO.  I was slowly dying, and I was desperate. 

The CFO took action.  She immediately provided budget and approval to hire another manager to assist with team oversight and work review.  But by the time the new manager was onboard, it was too late for me.  Less than a year in, I experienced what I label ‘medical burnout’ which consisted of agitation, anger, depression, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and an inability to concentrate, to name a few.  Before I knew it, I found myself on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications.  But I was grateful to have help.  Unfortunately, the new manager worked for only two months before quitting.  Before he left, he looked at me with regret and said, “I don’t know how you have been doing this.  It’s just too much.  I’m sorry.” 

Thankfully, though much damage had already been done, I finally had enough sense to quit that job and started finding my way back to a healthy lifestyle, at which point I had a short reprieve from further challenges.  During this time, I met my husband, Joe.  After a rather long absence from dating, I was excited to meet someone who was running the same Christian race as I was, not one of perfection (obviously) but one of desire.  This was a time of blessing.       

Nine months into my relationship with Joe, I began experiencing sleep deprivation related to very frequent awakenings and, most days, I found myself feeling ill or simply too tired to do anything.  While I was blessed to have an extremely patient and understanding boyfriend, this was a trying time for both Joe and me.  My lack of energy was not only debilitating for me, but it robbed someone who had energy of enjoying life with me.  To this day, I continue to be grateful for Joe’s godly perseverance and long-suffering.  We married after 18 months of dating, and my sleep deprivation greatly impacted my ability to fully enjoy both planning and attending my own wedding.  I come from an exceptionally large extended family.  The guest list on its own caused me a huge amount of anxiety.  After discussing my decreased capacity to manage stress, we discarded the guest list and went with immediate family and wedding party only.  While I was sad to exclude people I loved from my wedding, I was relieved by our choice of simplicity. 

It took close to a year following my sleep challenge onset before I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypopnea which results in frequent awakenings due to decreased oxygen while sleeping.  It essentially prevents you from having the kind of deep REM sleep we all need to be rested.  Two months following our wedding, I found myself sleeping through use of a CPAP machine and a very unattractive face mask, less than desirable for this newlywed… but, ah, I was sleeping!  

I could go on…  Suffice to say, these were not the happiest years of my life, but they were also not without their blessings.  I did, indeed, learn… and grow. 

As a human who experiences pain and suffering just like you do, I found out that I DID, in fact, care how much the pruning hurt and I DID, in fact, care how long it lasted.  Even more humbling, I discovered that “I” couldn’t handle anything.  While I did cling to God for strength during these times, I could plainly see that I overestimated my ability to be a consistent representative of Him during the hard times.  There were times when people could clearly see that God was guiding my hope and actions, but there were other times when my responses were less than God-like.  I was not as strong in my faith walk as I had imagined.  And this was a part of my pruning.  Talk about a growing ‘moment’!

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey, we all go through hard times… what makes your challenges any different and what makes you so certain that God was answering your prayer for pruning?”  I know that God was answering my prayer because of the numerous and continuous challenges I experienced, only some of which have been shared here.  These challenges were far beyond (in duration and number) anything I had ever before experienced.  But that doesn’t mean pruning doesn’t come without a request for it. 

The Father prunes as He sees fit.  God’s will for us is to become the people He created us to be, which includes growing in maturity and character… becoming more like Jesus.  And God knows that we often cannot obtain that growth without going through the fire that burns away our impurities.  Sound mean?  Let’s take an example of a three-year-old child.  Left undisciplined, that child becomes a person of extremely poor manners.  Given everything he or she desires, that child becomes spoiled, lacking appreciation for anything.  I don’t know about you, but I generally prefer NOT to be around undisciplined and spoiled children (or adults)!  God created us.  We are His children and He wants us to be the best we can possibly be and He wants us to represent His character well.  God’s pruning (and His discipline… which I’ll reserve for a future post) comes completely out of His love for us.

Others may be asking, “Did God ‘cause’ the burnout?”  Absolutely not!  God gives us free will… but we humans do not always make the best free will choices.  God could interfere and make everything perfect but then we would no longer have free will and those would be His choices instead of our own.  So God simply ‘allows’ our choices to have their natural consequences.  In my case, He allowed sin, both my sin and the sin of others, to have its natural consequences… and, through sin and circumstances, God allowed me to see my weaknesses so that I would know where I needed to grow.  For example, had I analyzed my work experience properly, I would have seen my sin of ‘pride’ in not wanting to be seen as a failure when, clearly, I should have quit long before I experienced burnout.  Pressing on to succeed at a task that was too big for me lead to the natural consequence of my burnout.        

I learned some other things as well.  In experiencing anxiety and depression, God equipped me to better understand others who struggle with these things on a chronic basis.  By suffering from extreme exhaustion stemming from my sleep disorder, I am better able to understand those with insomnia and other sleep conditions.  My empathy for others in these areas increased.  Empathy for the pain and suffering of others is, definitely, a characteristic of Jesus. 

Finally, I would be remiss not to point out God’s grace in my suffering.  While my few years of pruning were extremely painful, God never allowed more than He knew I could handle.  While simultaneously honoring my prayer request, He gave me moments of hope and sunshine to sustain me through the next challenge.  These intermittent bursts of reprieve showed God’s love and care throughout the entire process… and He is a God I will never let go of. 

Jesus speaking: “I am the true vine, and My Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in Me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” (John 15:1-2 NIV)

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Looking Back

My Selfish Ambition

by Tracy Brackett

5/8/12 1:58 AM

Truth. Always look for it. There is no other way than truth. You can always find it if you look. It is freeing, for you and for others. Find truth in all situations and rely on it. Truth is of Me and comes from Me. I am your guide and your example. Find truth and live truth. Show others there is a better way. Every day. Day by day. People will see you represent Me.

During my teenage years and into my 20’s, I experienced what the world would define as a fairly successful life.  I was loved by my parents who encouraged me to do and be whatever I set my mind to.  Their confidence gave me boldness and I had my hands into just about everything, from sports to student council to pageants and high grades, it was as if I had it all.  At the age of 24, I was working for one of the largest CPA firms in the world and I was proud.  I had big dreams. 

One night, while traveling for my job, I sat in my hotel room.  I was now 28 and just found out I passed the CPA exam.  Another feather in my cap and I thought for sure I’d be on top of the world.  But I wasn’t.  Alone in that room, I felt lost and empty.  It didn’t make sense. 

I flipped through my bible searching for encouragement and came across a pamphlet tucked between the pages.  The pamphlet talked about sin and how unsuccessful we humans are at controlling our own lives in the absence of Jesus.  As I continued reading, it was as if scales fell from my eyes.  The clarity was astonishing.  I could suddenly see the truth and gravity of my own sinfulness, how my life was marked by the high of each success and the desire for the next one.  How focus on self often meant disregard for others.  How worldly success had become my god.  The weight of this self-realization was almost unbearable.  I wept. 

With complete conviction, I confessed my sinfulness and admitted my need for Jesus.  I asked Him to come into my heart and take control of my life.  I couldn’t do it without Him.  He responded.  Simultaneously, the hotel room became bright with light, I felt the power of the Holy Spirit enter my body and I was overcome with a feeling of peace I can barely describe.  While this experience lasted only a few seconds, it was life changing. 

As humans, we like to believe in and justify our own truth, a truth that is often self-validating.  If we believe it to be true, we can live it without guilt.  For me, worldly success was an obvious goal.  I thought, “it’s what everyone strives for, so it must be good and right”.  But God opened my eyes to see what ‘everyone’ strives for is often marked by selfish ambition in a world that refuses to see the God who created them for something better.  The truth I was living not only imprisoned me in a world that was false, but empty.  I realized I no longer wanted what everyone else was striving for.  I wanted the things of God.  I wanted His will for my life. 

This sudden change didn’t mean the absence of future sinfulness, it meant realizing I couldn’t overcome that sinfulness in the absence of Jesus.  This change also didn’t mean the absence of big dreams or future successes, but it meant seeing those dreams through the lens of God’s will and for His glory, as opposed to my own.  It meant dreams that looked increasingly different from what this temporary world has to offer.  God had opened my eyes to the truth and, through it, He was developing in me an eternal perspective. 

“Enter by the narrow gate.  For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” Matthew 7:13-14 (ESV)

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 (ESV)

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